Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Always Kiss Me Good-Night

Today I found this picture, I don't know if my Vin ever even saw it. Taken 2 years ago and left in a folder forgotten about until today.
I hope there's internet in Heaven.


"Always Kiss Me Good-Night" was something he said to me every night.
The last time I saw him in his casket, I was alone with him and although it took me a few times before I could finally walk out of that room, the very last thing I ever said to him was "Always Kiss Me Good-Night", and then I kissed him on his perfect lips and walked away for the last time.
It damn near killed me.

I think I must be losing my mind.
On the outside I appear OK. At night, I am a mess.
Last night I slept with his urn/box of remains next to me in my bed with my arm wrapped around him in a hug.
It's all I have left of him.
Am I losing it?
Here's where some might think I am, but I don't..I KNOW WHAT I FELT.

He was with me last night, I was asleep but just barely judging from the time on the clock when I woke up, I'd only been asleep less then an hour.
I felt him, really and honestly felt him get in bed next to me, on his side and put his arm around me like he did every single night.
I tried to call his name but nothing would come out, like my voice was paralyzed somehow.
But I wasn't afraid, it felt so good. I could see the box in between us and I could see him, and I could definitely feel him, kind of cold but he was holding me close. There was a small vibration, like and energized feeling maybe?
But I know...I KNOW he was there.
I talked to him and he talked back but we NEVER moved our mouths...crazy I know.

He even got up to check on the boys and I heard the sounds he would make in the kitchen, the computer chair sliding on the tile when one would get up from, it, sounds that I would say were "his" sounds. I heard a bedroom door open, or close. He did come back and he was with me for a little while more, my head resting on his chest. He didn't feel ghostly, in fact he felt solid, whole, just as human as he was BUT I knew he wasn't.

Then I woke up...too soon. I couldn't for the life of me get back to that dream/visit/whatever it was.
I'm not sure he liked the fact that I still cry myself to sleep almost every night or that I was asking him about 100 questions at one time. Could it be he knew I needed him when he found out I was actually in bed hugging the box his ashes are stored in like it was him?

I don't know what went on last night, but I do know that I needed that closeness from him very, very much.
I just wish I didn't have to wake up. :(

Call me crazy, but it was the best night I've had in almost 7 months. I hope he never leaves us.

BTW I asked the boys if they were up during the night, in the kitchen, near the computer chair and both said "No". I haven't told them what happened. Kody would love it, Kolin might be a little spooked. Kolin has only dreamed of his Dad once, he struggles with that every day BUT I don't feel like his heart is open enough yet, I mean it is but I still have to show him the signs or he doesn't see them for himself.
He will soon enough, I am sure.




Kim, i too have had vivid dreams, where it seems so real that it must be! If you believe in your heart that its true, then it is. No harm in that.

Tracey said...

You are not losing your mind!! You are grieving an abominable loss!! I am so glad you open your heart and mind to the signs that your Vinnie is sending you. Enjoy those precious moments. He loved you so dearly. I am sure he does not want to see you in pain.

Jenner said...

You're not crazy Kim. I believe. Thanks for sharing your experience, it made me smile.
Love, Hugs & Prayers,
Jen in WI

Anonymous said...

I believe when no one else will that they are still with you. If it makes you feel better then believe it. I pray for you all to find Peace to move forward not away from his memory every just foward.

Anonymous said...

You are not losing your mind - your loss is a tremendious loss. He is with you and he always will be with you. I honestly think like you said he know your were having such a rough time and knew you needed him to be with you. I hope you continue to have these times/dreams/visions whatever they may be

Hugs from Missouri,

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that Heaven is when we pass from our earthly bodies and live in the presence of God. But, I also sincerely believe that our Heaven is spent living with the ones that we loved so dearly on earth. For those who have lived a life believing in God and doing all that they could to obey God's will remain with their loved ones, past and present. For those who refuse to believe or have intentionally turned their back on God, I believe their hell is dying. I don't think there is a firey pit with a little red devil in hell.....I believe that hell is when you die and do not continue in the new life. Call me nuts.....but I've experienced exactly what you have....and I am with you 100%....Karl is definitely with you!!

Shiela in NY said...

AWESOME, Kim! As hard as it is that he's gone and you're missing him so much, I am so glad you are feeling Karl around you like this!!


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