I hope there's internet in Heaven.
"Always Kiss Me Good-Night" was something he said to me every night.
The last time I saw him in his casket, I was alone with him and although it took me a few times before I could finally walk out of that room, the very last thing I ever said to him was "Always Kiss Me Good-Night", and then I kissed him on his perfect lips and walked away for the last time.
It damn near killed me.
I think I must be losing my mind.
On the outside I appear OK. At night, I am a mess.
Last night I slept with his urn/box of remains next to me in my bed with my arm wrapped around him in a hug.
It's all I have left of him.
Am I losing it?
Here's where some might think I am, but I don't..I KNOW WHAT I FELT.
He was with me last night, I was asleep but just barely judging from the time on the clock when I woke up, I'd only been asleep less then an hour.
I felt him, really and honestly felt him get in bed next to me, on his side and put his arm around me like he did every single night.
I tried to call his name but nothing would come out, like my voice was paralyzed somehow.
But I wasn't afraid, it felt so good. I could see the box in between us and I could see him, and I could definitely feel him, kind of cold but he was holding me close. There was a small vibration, like and energized feeling maybe?
But I know...I KNOW he was there.
I talked to him and he talked back but we NEVER moved our mouths...crazy I know.
He even got up to check on the boys and I heard the sounds he would make in the kitchen, the computer chair sliding on the tile when one would get up from, it, sounds that I would say were "his" sounds. I heard a bedroom door open, or close. He did come back and he was with me for a little while more, my head resting on his chest. He didn't feel ghostly, in fact he felt solid, whole, just as human as he was BUT I knew he wasn't.
Then I woke up...too soon. I couldn't for the life of me get back to that dream/visit/whatever it was.
I'm not sure he liked the fact that I still cry myself to sleep almost every night or that I was asking him about 100 questions at one time. Could it be he knew I needed him when he found out I was actually in bed hugging the box his ashes are stored in like it was him?
I don't know what went on last night, but I do know that I needed that closeness from him very, very much.
I just wish I didn't have to wake up. :(
Call me crazy, but it was the best night I've had in almost 7 months. I hope he never leaves us.
BTW I asked the boys if they were up during the night, in the kitchen, near the computer chair and both said "No". I haven't told them what happened. Kody would love it, Kolin might be a little spooked. Kolin has only dreamed of his Dad once, he struggles with that every day BUT I don't feel like his heart is open enough yet, I mean it is but I still have to show him the signs or he doesn't see them for himself.
He will soon enough, I am sure.