Monday, January 23, 2012

Taking Over

I really worry about Kolin. He is hell bent on making sure that I know it is his job and his job only to take over where his Dad left off. He tells me all the time, he is the man who Daddy left in charge. This kills me cuz there is so much stress and sadness sometimes and he shouldn't always have to hold it in just to make everyone feel better believing he is strong.
Just for the record...he breaks down quite often too, but he never realizes that I know.

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Life goes on....
Though your miles away, and I miss you.



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Mustard Seed

“Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”.


The mustard seed necklace given to him represents, after a little over a year, that he has let God back into his heart and his life. Since then things for my boy have gotten much, much better. His anger and depression have since gone. He smiles, laughs and enjoys life {and girls!} just like any other teen.
Yes, the sadness still rears it's ugly head from time to time BUT he can finally open up and talk about his Dad without tears and hatred towards those he feels responsible.

He goes to teen youth groups, prays, has long talks with God, apologizes to Him all the time for his past behavior and ugly words, and I have to say, he's the new improved Bear and I am so, so proud of him.

I love You Bear!!!!!


Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Thirty Two Years...we would have been together that long today.
One crazy just by chance meeting in a High School cafeteria was all it took to start a love so strong even death couldn't take that away.

We always dreamed of growing old together, holding hands walking into restaurants, getting our senior citizen discounts. Still madly in love, even with the saggy baggy eye lids and the wrinkles and the gray hair...two crazy old people loving each other always.

Today, as busy as I was running errands...that man of mine let me know he was there.
Starting with me leaving the high school parking lot at seven this morning, the pick up truck in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Wife"...staring right at me. Almost as if it was supposed to be put right in front of me, so I could see it and smile.
I feel him right next to me during these times.
At least six times today when I got back in the car and turned on the radio...there it was, another song the two of us shared so many times throughout these years.
It was amazing, it really was.
Times like that I can only and say "I love you too".

I hope he can still check in on the blog. He used to joke that the blog was the only way he had of knowing what was going on around here.
I hope he can Facebook too because there are still so many times I will pour my heart and soul out to that man.

I hope he can see what our new grandchild will look like, and I hope he can see the little spitfire this one still is....



She is just like her Grammpa as far as being a hell raiser {she really fits into our family!} and she takes after her Gramma for her love of all things homemade knitted, especially if they are purple. :)

Tonight, as to not break tradition...the boys and I will have dinner with candlelight. Never anything special...just chili dogs and a whole lot of love and memories of the most beautiful man ever.

I hope your reading this right now Vinzo...I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!


Sunday, January 8, 2012

Kickin' Cancers Ass For TEN Years!!

Ten years ago today we looked into the tear filled eyes of the Dr., all of us stunned speechless as he handed Karl and I the results of Kody's very first Brain MRI at age 6 1/2.
None of us knew what the future held, grim...that's all that could be said.
"I will pray for your little boy" were the only words that Dr. could get out.

Ten years ago we were told our son would be with us about another year and his quality of life would be horrible as that tumor would quickly & painfully take over his brain before it stopped his heart forever.

Ten years ago who could have predicted this 16 year old would still be with us today, healthy, strong, funny, kind, loved and cherished.
His Daddy did...all those years ago, his Daddy stood strong and said to him "Kody, you remember where you came from, we are tough ass hell raising New Yorkers and we don't take shit from nobody, especially this tumor. You fight with all your might and I will fight right along with you."

Ten years ago I was the only one in this world who witnessed that man break down on his knees begging God to take him and not his precious little boy.

True to his word, he was with Bear every step of the way. Every appointment, every good day, every bad day, holding him up when he couldn't walk, feeding him when he couldn't hold a spoon, praying and even swearing to God over his boy's seizing nine year old body.
True to his word and his wishes, he left us first, so that when it is our time to pass, he will be the very first one we see, we hold, we walk with. Always the protector.

That's what Daddy's do, don't they?


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Kody, You are my hero, my inspiration and my best friend.
Keep kickin' ass baby, we are ALL so proud of you!!!!!!
Love you forever, and ever and ever...Mom :)



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