Sunday, December 30, 2012

As 2012 comes to a close, I've wondered a I really ready to shut the blog down?

My life in 2013, I am pretty sure will take some dramatic changes.
Another grandchild.
Hopefully a busy photography business.
Dysfunctional family drama {I never claimed to be perfect lol}
More tears.
Laughter and an almost filled heart again.
A new relationship.

Is the blog world ready for this? Hell, am I ready for this?
Well..I could really live without the drama.
Grandchildren are always a blessing.
A lot less weight on my shoulders as a single Mom if I can stay busy and maintain financial stability.
Tears are OK, I don't still shows the love I have for a man I wish I never had to live without.
Laughing feels soooooo good sometimes, I actually hardly ever feel guilty for it anymore..well, OK, maybe sometimes. I guess that's natural.

A new relationship...yeah, that's the big one.
I am loved, cherished and respected. I love him too. He makes me feel...I don't know, like I am the center of his existence, his everything, like there is nothing he wouldn't do if I ask.
Yes, I'm ready....but, is everyone else?

What if I came on here one day and introduced this is M, M this is my blog world, my friends and family who have seen me through the best and the worst times of my life.
Would it be wrong? Would it be OK?
Lord knows...I struggle with this every single day.

I have a ton of thinking to do, a bunch of decisions to make and a whole lot of asking for guidance from above.

I really hope I don't make the wrong choice.

Till then, and as always...I hope the very best for all of you. A wonderful end to 2012 and a beautiful beginning to 2013. I pray this is your year to shine!!

Love you all very much!!!!!

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The End....

Of all the Christmas pictures. :)


No...wait...just one more!!


Now I'm done. :)


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

From all of us in the "K" family....Merry Christmas!!

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Saturday, December 22, 2012

2 Years

This doesn't get much easier, two years today....two years this morning was the very last time I would ever see him again...alive, funny, laughing, threatening to cut off his long hair, making a chicken sandwich for his lunch, not wanting to go to work that day, wanting to stay with his family, loving the idea of coming home to a meatloaf dinner, telling us all how much he loved us.

The very last thing he and I said to each other was "I love you".
I still love him, I love him so much....I can't even describe how much, there are no words.

I can't stop crying, and shaking and wanting to be with him so bad.

To the world I seem fine, I'm not sure I am though.

At the time of the crash, all our kids and granddaughters will be at the Olive Garden, his favorite restaurant sharing memories, laughing and saluting the most loved man who ever walked this great big Earth. I'm saving a seat for him, and I really hope he joins us. He better because I made the reservations under the name "Vinny Provolone".

It was 11:30 we got the knock at the door.
I guess the good thing is now I have a doorbell in a new house, so I'll never have to look at that door again and remember.

I want to remember him, his love and happy times forever.
I want him back so bad, and there isn't one damn thing I can do to fix that.

Jeez...I am a mess today. :(


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Together Again

Kyle's been home for one week as of today and we are so happy.
Almost complete.
His Dad looked so forward to this day, I wish he could have been here for this.
No matter what the kids have done, his love for them never ended, he always had their back, he always told them how much he loved them.


"Three Brothers, One Tear...Death Before Dishonor"

That saying is actually a tattoo that ultimetly in the near future they will all have.

"Three Brothers" {that's obvious}
"One Tear" {related by blood 100% same Mom, same Dad..they all cry the same tear}
"Death Before Dishonor" {they have vowed to each other to choose death before ever dishonoring one another}

It might seem crazy to some, but that is them and I love them.

Have a great day everyone!! :)


Saturday, December 15, 2012

As we all wake up this morning, our hearts broken and our minds confused and angry from yesterdays tragedy of the horrific slaughtering of the children and adults in Connecticut, I just want to say our family grieves, mourns and cries with you.

I believe we are all holding our babies closer and thanking God for another day with them.


Praying for every family personally effected. Honestly, there are no words. :*(


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Ahhhhhh, you all really now how to make me cry!!!
HA HA...good tears, really!!
My heart is so touched and I am so humbled by the love, the support and the kind words.

My mind is so confused, I'm that person who deep inside, {although I feel like I'm getting old & cranky} doesn't want to hurt anyone.
That being said,
When Karl passed he not only left a wife, children and grandchildren, his loss also effected a father, a step mom, brothers sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews.

As much as our hurt was deep, raw and cut to the bone I can only imagine theirs was too.

How can I possibly start a new chapter without hurting someone?
I don't know if I have their blessings.
I just don't want anyone to ever think I am replacing him.
Someone as priceless as he, could NEVER be replaced. Karl was my everything, he was the first person I saw upon awakening every morning, he was the person I peacefully next to every night.
I loved him with my whole heart, with every part of my soul.
His loss, even after almost two years has ripped out a piece of my soul that can only be replaced upon my death when we reunite and I can be back home in his strong arms once again.

Enter Michael...
This man has stuck by my side during the worst crying spells, during the family drama, during my grieving, raging moments.
He has somehow managed to make me believe in love again.
He is a dork, he makes me laugh, we have so much in common, the feel of my hand in is something I can hardly describe...warm,
We crank up the radio in the car and sing loud together, we chug root beers just to see who can burp the loudest {I know..gross lol!}, we fall asleep on the couch watching TV, every night that he is sleeping in his truck and I am home, his is the last voice I hear.
He accepts my kids, every one of them whether they like it or not.
He is absolutely crazy over Adriana and the boys.
He loves me and it feels wonderful.
Most of all and probably the most important, he saved me from suicide almost a year ago.
That's very hard to admit but I have always been real and I'm just putting it out there today, only fewer then a handful of people know this.
When nobody else saw the "signs", and even though I, in a rage of fury, sent him packing to go back to his family in Texas, he saw something unexplainable, something pushing him to come back into that house one more time.
Had it not of been for him, that weekend I was leaving my phone home, driving destination unknown, getting a room somewhere and swallowing an entire huge bottle of prescription sleeping pills.

Losing a husband that was my world did that to me.
Grief is a horrible, wicked monster.

If I close the chapter on one life, and open up another, the fear of being known as "the bitch, the slut, the tramp, etc..." is too much.

So, here I am being tortured by what to do.

It's a crazy life that life of mine, it's taken twists and turns I could have never imagined.
We made plans..plans on growing old together, getting a home where we could put his and hers rocking chairs on the front porch, plans on being together forever. Never did either of us think "forever" wouldn't last all that long.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be spending with family. Karyelle, Chaz and Madison are heading over and spending some time looking at houses and house designs nearby. They are ready to have a house built and I am so proud of her...she has really done great in her life. :)

Here's a little something to hopefully give you all a little laugh today, my Miko...and his "attitude" when the camera comes out. :)


Have a beautiful day everyone!!


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Time to Say Good-Bye

I've been putting much thought into stopping this blog.
Most of you know me on Facebook now, and are always fully updated on the madness of my life.
Probably on Jan. 1st.
Honestly, there are not many views a day, maybe 30-60 and comments are far and few in between.
I want to say a huge thank you for those of you who still choose to check in, I appreciate it so much.

My life has had so many changes lately...
and also a new relationship.
I don't want to hurt in any way Karl's family because of this, so I think it would be better kept private.
I do need to say this though,
Karl was my very first and will ALWAYS be my biggest love, he and I, I am 100% positive, are soulmates...bound by love here on Earth and for all eternity.
It is him I will always be with.

That being said, I do have someone in my life who has brought life back into my very slowing dying self.
He loves me unconditionally and it feels good again, not the same...but a new kind of love.

This has made waves in my family, some accept this, some never will.
But, like I say, at the end of the day you all have someone to hold, someone that loves you and will get you through the worst days and nights.
I can't do this's too lonely and to depressing.
I find myself smiling, laughing and having fun with him.
But...he is a OTR truck driver and so as it is...I'm still alone a lot, never really alone though, because of technology we talk all the time and never a night goes by that his is not the last voice I hear.

It's good though, it works for us.
It allows me the space I still need as grieving never really ends, does it?

Anyway...more changes are around the corner, Kyle comes home this month. Our very first Christmas as almost a whole. Well, I suppose it is our "whole" now. We can't bring the man we love most, we'll be together for the first time in five children, my grandchildren and my crazy dog Miko.

Thank you again everyone..I'll post a few more times between now and then, it has been an absolute joy and pleasure knowing all of you, whether personally or through the internet.

Love you all!!!!!!

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Facebook: Isabella Sophia Provolone
I'm on every day. :)


Monday, December 3, 2012

These are my two favorite snowmen/girl in the world.
On the left is my beautiful "Glamdaughter" Madison and on the right is the last sweet little gift my Vinny bought for me, about a week and a half or so before he left, knowing my love of all things snowmen, bought me that snowman you see there.


Here's one more from yesterday, she was fighting a nap and wasn't much in a great mood so this was about a half second away from melt down.


She's still pretty cute though, even with her diva meltdowns. :)



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