Looking Through The Glass {the blog}

Ahhhhhh, you all really now how to make me cry!!!
HA HA...good tears, really!!
My heart is so touched and I am so humbled by the love, the support and the kind words.

My mind is so confused, I'm that person who deep inside, {although I feel like I'm getting old & cranky} doesn't want to hurt anyone.
That being said,
When Karl passed he not only left a wife, children and grandchildren, his loss also effected a father, a step mom, brothers sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews.

As much as our hurt was deep, raw and cut to the bone I can only imagine theirs was too.

How can I possibly start a new chapter without hurting someone?
I don't know if I have their blessings.
I just don't want anyone to ever think I am replacing him.
Someone as priceless as he, could NEVER be replaced. Karl was my everything, he was the first person I saw upon awakening every morning, he was the person I peacefully next to every night.
I loved him with my whole heart, with every part of my soul.
His loss, even after almost two years has ripped out a piece of my soul that can only be replaced upon my death when we reunite and I can be back home in his strong arms once again.

Enter Michael...
This man has stuck by my side during the worst crying spells, during the family drama, during my grieving, raging moments.
He has somehow managed to make me believe in love again.
He is a dork, he makes me laugh, we have so much in common, the feel of my hand in is something I can hardly describe...warm, tingly...sweet...safe.
We crank up the radio in the car and sing loud together, we chug root beers just to see who can burp the loudest {I know..gross lol!}, we fall asleep on the couch watching TV, every night that he is sleeping in his truck and I am home, his is the last voice I hear.
He accepts my kids, every one of them whether they like it or not.
He is absolutely crazy over Adriana and the boys.
He loves me and it feels wonderful.
Most of all and probably the most important, he saved me from suicide almost a year ago.
That's very hard to admit but I have always been real and I'm just putting it out there today, only fewer then a handful of people know this.
When nobody else saw the "signs", and even though I, in a rage of fury, sent him packing to go back to his family in Texas, he saw something unexplainable, something pushing him to come back into that house one more time.
Had it not of been for him, that weekend I was leaving my phone home, driving destination unknown, getting a room somewhere and swallowing an entire huge bottle of prescription sleeping pills.

Losing a husband that was my world did that to me.
Grief is a horrible, wicked monster.

If I close the chapter on one life, and open up another, the fear of being known as "the bitch, the slut, the tramp, etc..." is too much.

So, here I am being tortured by what to do.

It's a crazy life that life of mine, it's taken twists and turns I could have never imagined.
We made plans..plans on growing old together, getting a home where we could put his and hers rocking chairs on the front porch, plans on being together forever. Never did either of us think "forever" wouldn't last all that long.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be spending with family. Karyelle, Chaz and Madison are heading over and spending some time looking at houses and house designs nearby. They are ready to have a house built and I am so proud of her...she has really done great in her life. :)

Here's a little something to hopefully give you all a little laugh today, my Miko...and his "attitude" when the camera comes out. :)


Have a beautiful day everyone!!