Saturday, December 8, 2012

Ahhhhhh, you all really now how to make me cry!!!
HA HA...good tears, really!!
My heart is so touched and I am so humbled by the love, the support and the kind words.

My mind is so confused, I'm that person who deep inside, {although I feel like I'm getting old & cranky} doesn't want to hurt anyone.
That being said,
When Karl passed he not only left a wife, children and grandchildren, his loss also effected a father, a step mom, brothers sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews.

As much as our hurt was deep, raw and cut to the bone I can only imagine theirs was too.

How can I possibly start a new chapter without hurting someone?
I don't know if I have their blessings.
I just don't want anyone to ever think I am replacing him.
Someone as priceless as he, could NEVER be replaced. Karl was my everything, he was the first person I saw upon awakening every morning, he was the person I peacefully next to every night.
I loved him with my whole heart, with every part of my soul.
His loss, even after almost two years has ripped out a piece of my soul that can only be replaced upon my death when we reunite and I can be back home in his strong arms once again.

Enter Michael...
This man has stuck by my side during the worst crying spells, during the family drama, during my grieving, raging moments.
He has somehow managed to make me believe in love again.
He is a dork, he makes me laugh, we have so much in common, the feel of my hand in is something I can hardly describe...warm, tingly...sweet...safe.
We crank up the radio in the car and sing loud together, we chug root beers just to see who can burp the loudest {I know..gross lol!}, we fall asleep on the couch watching TV, every night that he is sleeping in his truck and I am home, his is the last voice I hear.
He accepts my kids, every one of them whether they like it or not.
He is absolutely crazy over Adriana and the boys.
He loves me and it feels wonderful.
Most of all and probably the most important, he saved me from suicide almost a year ago.
That's very hard to admit but I have always been real and I'm just putting it out there today, only fewer then a handful of people know this.
When nobody else saw the "signs", and even though I, in a rage of fury, sent him packing to go back to his family in Texas, he saw something unexplainable, something pushing him to come back into that house one more time.
Had it not of been for him, that weekend I was leaving my phone home, driving destination unknown, getting a room somewhere and swallowing an entire huge bottle of prescription sleeping pills.

Losing a husband that was my world did that to me.
Grief is a horrible, wicked monster.

If I close the chapter on one life, and open up another, the fear of being known as "the bitch, the slut, the tramp, etc..." is too much.

So, here I am being tortured by what to do.

It's a crazy life that life of mine, it's taken twists and turns I could have never imagined.
We made plans..plans on growing old together, getting a home where we could put his and hers rocking chairs on the front porch, plans on being together forever. Never did either of us think "forever" wouldn't last all that long.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be spending with family. Karyelle, Chaz and Madison are heading over and spending some time looking at houses and house designs nearby. They are ready to have a house built and I am so proud of her...she has really done great in her life. :)

Here's a little something to hopefully give you all a little laugh today, my Miko...and his "attitude" when the camera comes out. :)

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Have a beautiful day everyone!!


Photobucket

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kim, You can't live your life for other people. I have followed, without commenting, since Caringbridge days. I don't have Facebook so I will miss you, your hats, & your photographs.
Fare thee well.

Leeann said...


You know, to love another in no way diminishes the love you had (and have) for Karl. The heart is meant to stretch and grow.

The people in your life who love you will want that for you. I have not one doubt AT ALL that Karl would want that for you. He wouldn't want you to be alone. He wouldn't want you to drag your kids down by expecting them to be his replacement when they need to have lives of their own.

It is appropriate and right for you to have a new relationship. You will need to find it in yourself to know that is true, that you would have wanted the same for Karl or for your own kids and you have to believe it enough that those people who say bad things about you will be less loud than what you KNOW is right.

I am thankful for Michael. He sounds like a wonderful man. I am so happy for you, Kim.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Leeann... it is time for a new life and relationship one that is filled with love and happiness not pain and suffering. Karl would have wanted you to be happy and mostly loved. He will never be replaced but you can move on knowing that he would support your new relationship simply because he moved you so much.
Best Wishes Kim all the happiness in the world.
Michelle

Melissa said...

I have a feeling that if Karl did not approve of this new relationship, he would let you know in some way! You can't live life worried about what others think, hard as it is. You're still a young woman with a lot of life ahead, and there is no reason for you to live it alone to avoid hurting someone else. The grief will always be there, but you still deserve happiness like everyone else does!

Anonymous said...

Kim, you go for it. I've told you this before, your Karl would be so proud of how far you have come and he would want you to be happy and not spend the rest of your life alone. Give Mike a hug, then marry him, and continue on with your life. You have a special one there, it takes a strong and courageous man to step into a family that has lost someone so special. If there are those who don't understand, then so be it, they'll come around. It's YOUR life and your priorities are you and your children. Hugs to you my friend. --Andrea

Toes in the sand said...

I agree with what everyone has said. It is your life, only you has to live it. And you deserve to love again. Your love for Karl was so evident even before he passed. I would read your words and feel that love. You are a very blessed woman. Please try not to worry about what other think. The ole Dr Seuss quote comes to mind "Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.”

Anonymous said...

Kim,

I have enjoyed your blog so much and have found inspiration in your courage through all circumstances life throws your way. I have sent you a friend request on facebook and look forward to keeping up with the happenings in your wonderful life. I wish you and Michael nothing but the best and years of happiness to come!
Amy Lee

Lisa said...

Kim, I read often although I don't comment. You might remember me from a Cocoa Beach area "manhunt" I did for us both one bad night, years ago. Be happy. Live for now and the future. Take love that comes your way as a gift. Karl gave you the foundation you need to move on and make good decisions for your future and no one has the right to expect you to (figuratively) die, too. He wouldn't want that for you.

Now, how can I find you on FB? I'd like to keep up with the new chapter of your life. :-)

Kathi Schwede said...

I have followed this blog since Kody was going through his treatments. I have envied your marriage and fell madly in love with your family. At the time my marriage was falling apart and I drew inspiration from you and Karl to be a better wife and family.
My marriage became abusive and so very unhealthy. I started believing him that I was a horrible wife, horrible mother an unworthy of all life had to offer. I have had more loss in life than most people see in 2 lifetimes. I had enough and the darkness took over. I took 42 Xanax, box of Unisom and a few bottles of wine and climbed into a tub! Well guess what, I never saw the light! I had 4 respirations when I was found and was intubated and survived. It was the worst time of my life and I survived and got that divorce and live life now like everyday is a gift! I have been there girl, for very different reasons but I get that desperation! Karl was your guardian angel that day and guess what..........he brought you love and a second chance.

Finding love after loss is very different. You will never stop loving Karl and the love for Mike is a different type of love. No one should ever begrudge you for finding love and happiness. I have never known someone who deserves it more than you. YOu are teaching your kids that love comes in many forms and you are honoring Karl by LIVING again!! Now you are giving ME hope that I can find that kind of love!!!

Kathi

Anonymous said...

Hold on to your Michael! He sounds like a definite keeper to me:)

Cindy Forrester

Susan said...

Kim,
I'm not sure how I came upon your website but I now realize I was sent here for a reason. I lost my husband to cancer a year ago and although very hard to admit, have considered suicide also. There are times I feel so lost without him. I try to take each day as it comes but as the anniversary of his death (Dec. 16) is fast approaching, my emotions are definitely on a roller coaster.
I love your photography and will try to connect with you on facebook. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday.

Susantwilhelm said...

Karl would not expect you to live the rest of your young life alone. You are not disrespecting him at all -- and we all know he is always with you! All you have to do is look in the faces of your children!

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I have followed your adventures (a bright way to look at things) since Caringbrdge. I have become a fb friend and wish nothing but the best for you. You have done nothing but decide to live again. Do not worry what others think. If they really love you they will understand,if not they are not worth it.

Shannon said...

Kim, someone once told me that if they lost their spouse, the greatest honor they could give the spouse was to find new love. Their explanation (that they had talked about with their spouse) was that being truly in love, as they had been for years, made them appreciate all that love had to offer. Wanting to find that again until they could be together with their sould mate was a testament to how much their love impacted their life. I think you are doing the same with Karl. He loved you so well, you cannot wait to experience it again with him in Heaven. He would want you to honor him by finding it here until he can share it with you again.

Anonymous said...

Kim, I've been reading your blog for so long, I certainly will miss you & your family. So sorry for your loss and so glad all your family esp Kody are doing well. When you got your tats, all I thought was this is a very long life, no one should be alone and no one should be unhappy. Be happy. Before you leave, we all would love to see Michael. We all will approve.

Jenner said...

Kim, I'm happy for you! I've been following your family for many years and would like to continue to do so. I'll look you up on FB.
Love, Hugs & Prayers, Jen in WI

Anonymous said...

Wow! Very well said Kim! I think everyone who even remotely knows you is well aware that you truly love Vinny! Many of us admired your marriage, the good, bad and ugly. lol I think it's awesome that Michael accepts the fact of the "baggage" you have (as do we all have!) and that furthermore he accepts your deep love for your Vinny and respects it. Its crazy to think you would be a mourning widow forever, even Vinny wouldn't want that for you! :) You need to do what is right for you and those who love you will respect your decisions and reasons. I, for one, have long admired you from afar and think you rock! I knew you wouldn't be single for too long, you're an awesome woman and I knew another good man would soon realize that like Vinny did. I say go forward...you deserve it more than anyone I know! hugs!
Jennifer
Wa

Anonymous said...

Kim, congratulations, go on with life. We all know how you loved your Vinny, and you will never love that exact way again, this is a new start and a new love. I am so happy for you. No one should be alone in life. Be happy that for ever what reason God put someone in your life. I have been with you in FB and Caringbridge spirit so I know what you have been through.... Just be happy, it is your life and your heart.

Anonymous said...

Kim,

I love that you are so "real" with us, your extended family out here that you haven't met. Thank you for feeling so comfortable with us that you shared your deepest pains. I am so happy as everyone else is that you have found Michael, although I truly believe Karl had a hand in this. I am glad that he helped you through you trial & tribulation.... and he will be with you through the rest of them.

Again, I will miss you. God Bless.

Debby from Ohio

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