Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Future...

Is not looking so bleak anymore.
The future is ours to make something great out of it.
The future belongs to us, right now.
The future is not a given right nor is it a promise.

The boys and I have decided that today and in our future we can either fall apart, fall down, wither away and die or...

We can face each day starting with a positive attitude.
We can be kind.
We can show more patience.
We can still cry.
We will always remember.
We will not let ourselves fall into a deep, hopeless depression for what we have lost.
We can slowly {this is a work in progress} let go of the anger.
We can forgive who have wronged us in our lives.
We can apologize for any hurt we have ever caused.
We can live each day to it's fullest.
We can live each day like it is our last.
We can look forward to reuniting with the one we love the most.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
The future is never a promise.

We can build a new normal and we can for the first time in over two months, laugh and not feel one bit of guilt.

It is absolutely what Vinny would want us to do. And, we will never let that beautiful man, our Angel down...not ever.

We know he is still around, and at the risk of being labeled "crazy", we now this for a fact, because yesterday a little birdie, actually two lil' birdies told us so.



Do you believe in "After Death Communication"?

I never did before, but I sure do now. :0)

Have a beautiful day everyone.



Friday, February 25, 2011

Only At Planet Smoothie....

Can you get yourself a nice cold refreshing "Vinnie" :0)


Me and the girls after Kaysha and I actually managed to drive to Orlando airport for the first time solo to pick up KK who was coming back in from NY. Lets hear it for GPS and that very annoying but extremely accurate voice that comes out of it...WOOT-WOOT!


That picture when it was taken two weekends ago made me realize something very big.
I am a hot mess.
So, in an attempt to make myself look semi human again, I got my hair did.
This is the new me.

"Look Mom, no roots!!"


Can someone explain to me why our kids can take one selfie picture and it comes out cute and I take like thirty and look like the biggest dork in all of them. Seriously, I make my own self cringe. LOL!

Have a beautiful day everyone.

I've discovered the healing power of an MP3 and a 3 mile walk and that's what I'll be doing to jump start my day before it gets crazy as always.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Karl's New York Memorial Service

I'd like to put this out there, just in case there may be some of you who live close enough.
Since the week of Karl's funeral here in Florida, New York was under blizzard conditions, leaving his family with no way to fly out, they have lovingly decided to honor their son/brother/uncle/friend with a service for him.

This is the information...

Place: St. Mary's, Fishkill, NY
Day: Saturday, February 26th 2011
Time: 11 AM

If in the event that anyone can be there, we would love to see photographs.
God only knows, I would have LOVED to be there.

I also would love to go back to times like this when they were simple and incredibly romantic...


Have a beautiful day everyone. We are enjoying our flip-flop weather for sure. :0)


Friday, February 18, 2011

Nobody Warned Me About This One....

A couple of weeks after Karl/Karlio/Vinny/My Angel left me I had gotten a sudden interest in reading. Now, don't get me wrong I love to read but finding the time to read, well that's another story.
Anyway, I started collected all the "widows guides/self help/what to expect the first year/etc" books I could get my hands on.
Barnes & Nobles on-line is getting pretty used to my every week shopping trips {can't beat a dollar for a book thou}.
A few of my favorites so far are called "Widows Wear Stilettos", "Remembering With Love Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving" and "I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-Bye".
All my books are good, some are great, just about all warn me about what to expect, things that will hit hard like anniversaries, b-days, dreams and such.

Nobody though warned me of the worst of the worst. The day that brought me back to the very first day. The day that was probably worse then the first day because I didn't have the luxury of being in shock, making me numb and pretty much unresponsive.

The day was this past Tuesday, "autopsy report day".
I was on the car rider pick up line at Kolin's school and I got the call that it was ready to be picked up at of all the places I never wanted to go to, the medical examiners office. So, I waited for Kolin to get out at 4 and we headed over before they were to close. I was handed a legal sized envelope with 4 or 5 papers stapled together in it and brought it home.
That's when I stupidly decided to open it and the tear dam burst open again with just the first page and I didn't even hardly get past his name right up on top front and center.

Thankfully, KK was here and she took the boys out of the house for an hour because, nothing...absolutely NOTHING and anyone could have warned me about my reaction which just for the record, was not good..not good at all.
While I won't go into details, mainly because it's too graphic and my kids read this blog I will say that #1 the funeral home did a damn great job covering up the damage that went from the top of his head down to his feet and #2 he did NOT die of anything medically wrong with him {heart attack/etc}.
What he did die of was...
Blunt force trauma due to an auto accident.

Once again confirming what in my heart, I already knew. THEY gave him a faulty truck with faulty power steering. It wasn't even his truck, it was on loan from another mechanic who was supposed to fix that power steering before he left for vacation and didn't. He had that truck ONE DAY, yea just one day.
I know in my heart that power steering went out causing him to lose control and veering into the other lane.
While I don't claim to know much about mechanical things, I am pretty sure that was the case.
Unfortunately in this state that truck was not under DOT regulations it cannot be investigated for 90 days. THEY have 90 days to do what they please with that truck and any evidence related to that truck.
Because Karl was covered under workers comp, there is not one damn thing I can do to see that justice is done for him.
Workers comp protects employers from law suits, even if a death has occurred.

Never will I ever believe that it was his time to go. Never. He was, with the exception of having asthma, healthy. It said so in the report.
The only things found in him were nicotine {cigs} and caffeine {coffee}, nothing else.

All we have left to keep him close to our hearts is the necklaces we had made up.
Lockets with some of his remains in it and his thumbprint engraved on the front and silver dog tags for the boys with his thumbprint in the front.
I also have a heart with his thumbprint on it and the words "Always in my Heart" engraved in the back. {no picture yet though, I haven't taken it off since I received it last week}.





I wish somebody or some book would have warned me about autopsy report day, it really was that bad. :0(


Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy V-Day In Heaven Vinny

In memory and in honor of the most perfect man who blessed thirty years of my life, Happy V-Day Vinny. Our first one apart.
I thought our wedding song would be perfect today.
I love you so much and I miss you so bad.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

Student of the Month

Despite all the shock, confusion, days off from school, catching up with his schoolwork and constant heartache, Kody has still managed to pull of another milestone...

Student of the Month for Leesburg High School!!!

I got this letter in the mail last Friday, at a time of day I was at a big time low. Amazing how one letter can bring me up cuz I was so proud, bring me back down cuz I realized I couldn't call his Dad and share the news, bring me back up cuz I was so happy for him. Well you get the picture, right? It's and ongoing mixed bag of crazy emotions.

Anyway, today like everyday I am so proud of that kid of mine {ours}. :)



I have no doubt his Daddy is VERY proud as well, and if I know him probably telling everyone with an ear about his son, who he always called "the light of his life". :)


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Some Days....

Some days I feel like...

Hiding under the covers and crying.
Laughing a little at silly memories.
All warm and fuzzy when someone mentions his name.
Looking through pictures and then quickly putting them back away.
Crying a whole lot more.
Digging my nails into my own face and clawing myself to death just so the pain will manifest itself anywhere else but in my soul.

Some days I figure maybe it's best to sit on some stupid tree stump in the park on a sunny day and force a very fake smile. I have to, the kids need to see Mom smile once in a while.


Some days I'd love a quick glimpse of the date we are to be together again for all of eternity so maybe at the very least I'll have something to look forward to.

Kody informed me yesterday that he has to shave for ROTC. At first I was like "You've got to be kidding, what do you have like 5 chin hairs?" Then I realized his Dad should be teaching him, what do I know..nothing.
I told him I would You Tube or Goggle search it.
Tonight he asked his awesome karate teacher if he'd show him, he said of am so glad he took matters into his own hands.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Another Heartbreaking Loss

Last night we found out that Karl's oldest son, Billy, who lives in NY passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.
We are, as you can imagine, devastated.
We will be starting grief counseling through hospice this week, I already went to the initial appointment yesterday.
Kody is in rough shape, really rough shape.
The counselor told me yesterday that we were dealt a double whammy as if grief wasn't enough he feels we are all suffering from something called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder".
I think he's right. :(

I am still trying my best to catch up on e-mails, hang in there please I will answer every one, I promise.

Till then, I'd like to take a minute to remember with love, Billy Danato. Brother and friend to all of my children and son to my beautiful Vinny.
I can only imagine, as both being mechanics that they are fixing and/or making things better/faster like mad. As if Heaven needed fixing, huh? :)



Pictures are from 2005.

More to come soon, including Kody making "Student of the Month" in his High School, his haircut, our plans for the near future and pictures of our jewelry that came in last night and in which I picked up from the funeral home this morning.
The lockets that hold my Angel's remains and thumbprint are absolutely indescribably gorgeous.



Thursday, February 3, 2011

Just Wondering

Last night and today I wondered to myself...

"Is it possible to die of a broken heart & can one actually get dehydrated from crying so much?"

Those were just random thoughts in a still very numb and clouded mind. :)

On his one month...his? Guess maybe I should say, "our" one month anniversary of being separated the boys and I decided to take one of my "mind clearing therapy walks".
They are not so much into walking, but they are definitely into making sure I am not alone when I go.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, that walk.
It was the one month "first" on Jan. 22nd and it sucked. No sugar coating here, that's for damn sure.
Ever significant time that day brought lots of tears, especially 4:03 {the last time I heard his voice on the phone}, 5:15 {when the accident occurred}, 5:49 {the time of death on his death certificate} and 11:33 {when the state trooper knocked on our door}.

Thank you Angel Baby for giving us this rainbow. I know it may not be anything more to some people then light/water/reflections/prisms/scientific mumbo jumbo, but to me it was a beautiful rainbow left there by my beautiful husband.


And just to prove he was trying to let us know he was thinking of us and maybe even walking with us, who else would know enough to leave this cute lil' baby snake for his reptile loving family?


Here's the boys from that same day...




I can still see a lot of sadness, confusion and emptiness in their eyes. :(

BTW, Kody's long hair has recently been cut off and donated to Locks of Love. He wanted to wait til Relay 4 Life, but he was accepted into ROTC and the hair, had to go a little earlier then we planned.
FYI...he looks great and the absolute spitting image of his Daddy. :)
Pictures will be up soon, that's a promise.

Off to take a walk, walking and thinking and crying, that's my entire life now.

You know, I don't want to leave this on a sad note, so I am going to tell you all that I have managed to laugh this past week, not that I just laughed but I laughed without feeling guilty about laughing.
That is a HUGE step, believe me.

Have a beautiful day everyone!!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Posting will come again soon, I promise.
Life is just...well, sad, lonely and cold right now.
I'm going to take the boys to Steak and Shake tonight, we all need a small break {and a milk shake lol}.
Love you all....



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