Thursday, February 3, 2011

Just Wondering

Last night and today I wondered to myself...

"Is it possible to die of a broken heart & can one actually get dehydrated from crying so much?"

Those were just random thoughts in a still very numb and clouded mind. :)

On his one month...his? Guess maybe I should say, "our" one month anniversary of being separated the boys and I decided to take one of my "mind clearing therapy walks".
They are not so much into walking, but they are definitely into making sure I am not alone when I go.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, that walk.
It was the one month "first" on Jan. 22nd and it sucked. No sugar coating here, that's for damn sure.
Ever significant time that day brought lots of tears, especially 4:03 {the last time I heard his voice on the phone}, 5:15 {when the accident occurred}, 5:49 {the time of death on his death certificate} and 11:33 {when the state trooper knocked on our door}.

Thank you Angel Baby for giving us this rainbow. I know it may not be anything more to some people then light/water/reflections/prisms/scientific mumbo jumbo, but to me it was a beautiful rainbow left there by my beautiful husband.


And just to prove he was trying to let us know he was thinking of us and maybe even walking with us, who else would know enough to leave this cute lil' baby snake for his reptile loving family?


Here's the boys from that same day...




I can still see a lot of sadness, confusion and emptiness in their eyes. :(

BTW, Kody's long hair has recently been cut off and donated to Locks of Love. He wanted to wait til Relay 4 Life, but he was accepted into ROTC and the hair, had to go a little earlier then we planned.
FYI...he looks great and the absolute spitting image of his Daddy. :)
Pictures will be up soon, that's a promise.

Off to take a walk, walking and thinking and crying, that's my entire life now.

You know, I don't want to leave this on a sad note, so I am going to tell you all that I have managed to laugh this past week, not that I just laughed but I laughed without feeling guilty about laughing.
That is a HUGE step, believe me.

Have a beautiful day everyone!!



Anonymous said...

So glad you were able to take the boys out for some fresh air and snakes! lol I know somebody who's son passed and he loved red cardinals. Every time she sees one she believes it is him, watching over them. You have to believe to make it through the days!

I'm confused about something....hope you don't mind....the accident was at almost 6 PM, the knock came after 11...did you know inbetween those 5 hours what had happened?

Kody Follower
Olympia, WA

tricia said...

thinking of you always

PJ said...

Glad to see the update, the pics and especially the snake! Karl's work indeed.
Just want you and the kids to know I think of you daily..

Elliottsmama said...

My son will be gone almost a year soon. It WILL get easier for you, promise.

Stephanie Moore said...

I have a friend who lost her husband two weeks ago in his sleep. One minute he was snoring beside her and then he wasn't. I don't know what to say except that I think of you often and keep you and your kiddos in my prayers. I am glad he is giving you little gifts...I hope my friend Vickie gets a few soon too. ((hugs)) from Kentucky.

Anonymous said...

((Kim)) My heart goes out to you and I pray that God will send you comfort. I can't imagine what you are going through and I hope Karl keeps sending you signs. My prayers are with you and your family. You are lucky to have 2 awesome boys at home to look after their momma.

Anonymous said...

this made me smile.... keep your chin up! i have only commented a few times on this blog. and when i read of the news i had to google the whole thing. i was so completely shocked to read of the accident. i cannot imagine what you all are going thru, but just wanted to say that we are all thinking of you. very often! you are a great mom, continue that for your kiddos! sending hugs, lots and lots of hugs for you guys!

annieb said...

always checking in on you...keeping you close in prayer...stay strong...(((((hugs))))) from GA

Shiela in NY said...

Oh, I SOOOO glad to see you've posted!! I had planned on calling you on Monday but - let's just say I spent two full days sick in bed and it all started Monday night. I was afraid that maybe your Internet was cut off. I worry about that type of stuff, knowing Karl was who brought the dough in the house. :(

I LOVE the pics of the rainbow and snake - I truly believe those were signs from Karl that he was with you. You know, as I was looking at Kody's long hair I was wondering when he was getting it chopped like his little bro. Glad to hear he was accepted! How about Kolin?

I have a confession: today is my birthday. I feel like I got the greatest gift from you, seeing your post!!! Love <3 & (((HUGS)))


Lisa Schueler said...

Thinking of you and your family today and everyday. Glad you were able to laugh.

Lisa Schueler said...

Thinking of you and your family today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

I am happy that you found a reason to laugh. May God grant you more rainbows, more sunshine, snakes and any other thing that lets you know Vinnie is thiking of you. My prayers remain with all of you.
Hugs from Iowa,

Lynn said...

I can't believe how much Kolin is looking like his brother Kyle these days. Those two boys look so much alike. I've always seen both you and Karl in Kody. Sometimes he looks just like Karl. And sometimes I see you in him! Can't wait to see his new pics. I can remember when he was little and had close cropped hair for a good while - doggone he was handsome!

You are so right. There is a sadness in their eyes. All of you have every reason to carry sadness within your hearts. It's HARD.. so hard to go on living without someone you love. It will eventually get a bit easier as time goes by..and sometimes it's a step of progress and then two steps back. Your lives are forever changed but that doesn't mean you won't laugh again and actually find joy in daily life again. But from experience I know you never stop missing a loved one - til you meet again. God bless you and carry you through these days.

Cheyenne said...

Laughter cures a lot of things. It won't cure your heartache but it will ease up on it a little bit.
He is always with you...he never wanted to leave your side.

Anonymous said...

So glad that you are able to start laughing again. I can only imagine how you and your family must feel and for that I am truly sorry that you must go thru all this pain. We keep you in our daily thoughts and prayers for some comfort and peace throughout this nightmare.

Anonymous said...

Love, love, LOVE your stories about Karl making sure you know he's still around!! He is there Kim and will always be - don't ever forget that.
I have to tell you my rainbow story - my dad will be gone 2 years in March. Since he passed away I had always thought that rainbows were his way of saying he was ok, I saw them everywhere! I never shared this with anyone, it was my dad and I's thing :) Anyway, last spring my 11 year old was at ball practice and my 6 year old and I were watching him. It started to rain so the 6 yr old and I went to the car to wait out the rain. A beautiful double rainbow appeared in front of up and Alex the 6 yr old said look mom there is grandpa on that rainbow waving on us. Needles to say I lost it and that confirmed what I thought.... Keep being strong and remember those laughs will start to comeback slowly but surely
Hugs from Missouri,

Margie said...

Kim you are in my thoughts & prayers every day.

Shiela in NY said...

I am definitely "stalking" you these days. I come by several times a day, just to see if you've updated the Comments section. Thinking about you... (((hugs)))

Kendall said...

Kim I so admire the raw honesty you share as you travel this journey. Keep writing to get those feelings out of your soul. You cannot keep them inside.

I know you feel like you are walking through hell right now. But you are on your way to healing. Keep walking, be kind to yourself. Get rest, make sure you are drinking plenty of water and eating healthy.

Treat yourself to starbucks and milkshakes........... Sleep in when you need it. Watch stupid, silly movies and do more of that laughing without guilt thing!

You've learned how fragile life is- your children are learning from you how to handle grief and pain. You have always been such a tremendous example of grace under pressure- I know that remains true today.

With prayers for healing-


leese said...

Baby steps...all of you are taking them together and that rocks. I also believe you were being sent those signs, Kim.
Congrats to Kody on the ROTC AND his Locks of Love donation!!! What a beautiful heart that man cub has.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kody! Congratulations about ROTC! That's just awesome! Can't wait to see the new 'do too!

Kim, it just breaks my heart that you have those times burned into your heart now, that shouldn't be there yet. Any words just seem inadequate, so I hope us lending an ear helps you a little bit.

Jackie in PA

Chris Russo said...

Thats awesome about not only the ROTC but you knowing laughing and living is not something to feel guilty about! love you Kim!

Jenner said...

Thinking of you & keeping you all in my prayers.
Jen from WI

Anonymous said...

So sorry you and your family are having to go through this. The love and pride your Vinnie had for all of you was very evident in your photos. I think of your family often and pray that your memories will sustain you in this very difficult time.

tammy weston said...

Hi Kim - just wanted to let you know that I think of you guys every day and I'm praying for your healing and comfort!


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