Thursday, February 10, 2011

Some Days....

Some days I feel like...

Hiding under the covers and crying.
Laughing a little at silly memories.
All warm and fuzzy when someone mentions his name.
Looking through pictures and then quickly putting them back away.
Crying a whole lot more.
Digging my nails into my own face and clawing myself to death just so the pain will manifest itself anywhere else but in my soul.

Some days I figure maybe it's best to sit on some stupid tree stump in the park on a sunny day and force a very fake smile. I have to, the kids need to see Mom smile once in a while.


Some days I'd love a quick glimpse of the date we are to be together again for all of eternity so maybe at the very least I'll have something to look forward to.

Kody informed me yesterday that he has to shave for ROTC. At first I was like "You've got to be kidding, what do you have like 5 chin hairs?" Then I realized his Dad should be teaching him, what do I know..nothing.
I told him I would You Tube or Goggle search it.
Tonight he asked his awesome karate teacher if he'd show him, he said of am so glad he took matters into his own hands.



Shiela in NY said...

UGH - I got a knot in my stomach, thinking of how you felt when you realized Karl should be teaching his son how to shave. :( I've always admired the karate instructor. Sounds like he's stepping up for your family AGAIN! :)

I liked your post tonight. Raw emotion. Roller coaster-type. Up and down you go, and through it all you made me sad and happy (I even lol'd).

I hope to call you again in the next few days. Maybe I'll catch you this time. :)


tricia said...

i still keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. it still seems so surreal.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Kim,

You may not remember be but I have followed Kody for many years. I still have a bookmark you once sent me with his picture on it. I don't come by as often as I used to, but I do check on your precious family every once in awhile. I was devastated to read about Karl.

My heart actually aches for all of you and this tremendous loss you have suffered. You have all been through so much, more than is fair. But life isn't fair and because we live in this fallen world and have free will it never will be. It is often said that God will not give you more than you can handle and most people think it is a scripture from the Bible. Well, there actually is no where in the Bible that it says that scripture. And I do believe God does give some people more than they can handle. What the Bible is very clear and specific about is He will be with you and give you the strength you need to make it through life's many trials.

Kim, I don't know how much you believe in a God, Jesus or how much faith you have, but I have no doubt that He is wrapping His loving arms around you and lifting you up, even if you cannot feel Him at this time. I certainly can understand how it seems non-existent with all you are going through. And that's okay. It is not unusual for people not to feel God's presence when they go through such suffering as you are going through. That does not mean you do not believe and have just means life is really, really hard.

I have always found great comfort in one thought when I have lost someone. I HOPE this thought helps you. It is through God's love and saving grace that Karl is NOT a part of your past, but a VERY REAL part of your FUTURE. You will be reunited again one day and even though it seems a long time away, almost like a forever, it is a very small amount of time in all of God's eternity. I am praying for you and your kids with all of my heart that you can find comfort, peace and the strength to carry on without your wonderful Karl.


Debbie Nagy
St. Louis, MO

Cheyenne said...

A little smile now and then won't hurt even if it is forced. We all know what you are going through. Nothing to be ashamed of, so smile and keep those frown lines away as long as you can.
None of us knows our future but I can understand you wanting to know when your time is up. Can't see as I blame you. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

awww, that is so cool... that he can look up to those around him to fill the void.

keep your chin up...

hugs from mn.

Anonymous said...

So glad your kids have some great mentors in their lives still.

Whenever I think of the situation you are dealing with, my heart hurts. I am thankful that you have your fabulous kids to help you through each day.

Prayers and hugs,
Connie F-G

Anonymous said...

You look great...even though I'm sure behind that smile is a very broken heart. How are all the kids doing, not just Kody and Kolin. I think of all of you often!j

Olympia, WA
Kody follower

Kelle said...

I lost my mom in 2007 and she was the ultimate best friend ever. I loved her and after she died I didn't want anyone to love me because it was too painful for the loved ones left behind to cope with a loss. It took me so long to 'be happy' again. I just have to remember like the saying goes, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." God bless.

Mave said...

Krazy Aunt Mave is still hoping for a phone call (and not expecting anything to be faked). Meanwhile I'm keeping you close in prayer in close in my heart. I still love each of you bunches Krazy K Klan!! I SO wish I could do anything at all, to make this even one little bit better for you!!! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

So Sorry for your Loss of Billy. As a mom who has lost a child (will be 13 years this Feb 22 that he has been gone), Please know in time things will get better for you & your Family. Dont get me wrong. It's still hard for us, But it has gotten a little easy. We have Cherished memories & mention him in everyday converstation. We Celebrate his Birthday with Cake & Sing him Happy Birthday & on his Passing day we Line up his Photos & Light Candles & Say some prayers. February 22 Is a Very Hard Day for us But we do get through it. I personally take a whole week off from work. OH how I wish I knew about the Thumb print Jewelry as I would've loved to have one to Treasure it daily :( I Would never take it off. It's a GREAT thing you all will be going to grief counseling, It will help. Sorry this was so long

Mom2AnAngel : )
Hugs to you all


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