Saturday, July 30, 2011

Admitting Defeat

I tried, damn I have REALLY tried these past seven months to put on a strong front and overcome Karl's death on my own.
I don't know why but month seven has been HORRIBLE.
I cry my self to sleep every night.
Two nights ago I pulled out his hoodie, I had it in a sealed up tight Ziploc bag, hoping it would preserve his scent.
Oh, it did. I smelled him, it was him, exactly how he would come home smelling in the winter, always with that diesel man smell that only a mechanics wife would know.
I'd always, ALWAYS every night when he walked through that door put my head on his chest and hug him close. I'll never, if I live to be 100 forget the way he smelled and felt.
Anyway, yea...I pulled it out and put my face in that hoodie and he was there, but he wasn't "there" and it nearly killed me.
I cried and shook so hard I thought I might actually give myself a heart attack.
I didn't put it away though, not that night..I slept with it close. That "scent" is the closest thing I have to keeping him alive next to me.

Yesterday morning I had to admit, this is not something I can do myself. Maybe it is time to give grief counseling a try.
So, Monday morning I'll start making some calls, if I have time because Bear comes home in the morning, Kolin has football, Kody has black belt class, there is always too much to do. How I do it all in a day still baffles me sometimes. I was always used to the two parent drop off one, pick up the other,meet you at home for dinner routine.
I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, sucks but it's life.
My hat goes off to ALL the single parents of the world. I never realized what a major job you have. Whew....

I haven't taken any pictures, so here's a couple of happier times, taken 2 years ago.

The outtake...


To get this...


Every time I see his picture I am awestruck by how beautiful he really was. :)

Have a beautiful day everyone!!



Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hoping you can find the courage and strength you need to take the steps that will help you through this valley.

Kendall said...

Kim you are not admitting defeat- you are taking the first step to finally BEAT the grief by getting some help.

I'm sure Vinnie is proud of you and pleased that you recognize that help is necessary now.

As for having too many places to be, please make you #1- set aside the time you need to make those calls. Ask the Coach, the captain, a friend, one of your other kids, etc to play bus driver for the day, even if it's just one way. Better yet, ask the kids if they can talk to friends from team/group to see if they can hitch a ride this one time. You might even be able to work out a permanent carpool solution- alternating days with another parent or something....

You won't be any good to the kids if you are falling apart. And if they miss a day so you can help yourself, it's not the end of the world.

Your friends and fans can't steer you down this road, but we are with you in spirit, cheering you on!

Anonymous said...

Although I'm sure it feels like it, it's not admitting defeat. It's knowing yourself, and knowing that this is bigger than you could have imagined. It's asking for help, and being willing to receive it. I'm in couseling, and my couselor says it's a beautiful gift you give to yourself to get to know yourself better and help yourself. I think you're smart to help yourself through this. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this at all. I really am. I'm proud of you.....
Liz, NY

Anonymous said...

Kim....Your honesty and openness in your posts are such good medicine....For you and for all reading them. Take time for yourself....You need time to grieve but you don't have to do it alone. There is a program in NJ called "HOPE" that is for widows and widowers traveling through the unchartered waters of grief. My I've known several people who have gone through the program and believe it saved their life. I'm sure your local churches or YMCAs would have the same or similar program. One on one counseling is still a good idea in addition to this group. God bless you.

Stephanie said...

Kim, it's not defeat to need an outside perspective on things. Karl's passing was sudden and's hard to wrap your head and emotions around. I think about you guys all the time and pray you continue to feel Karl with you. I think you've shown incredible strength...even if you don't see it. Keep pushing forward, inch by inch...((hugs))

Margie said...

Oh Kim I am so sorry you are so sad. Sending you lots of hugs because it's the best I can do.

Shiela in NY said...

Kim, I don't think you need to overcome anything, but rather "get through". I can see why that sealed hoodie means so much. I can barely remember the scent of my mother, but still smile at the thought of that scent. :)

I have always admired single parents as well. My sister was divorced when their children were young. On the other hand, my sister-in-law adopted two children as a single parent and one had special needs. I have admired both of them, in same AND different ways, and could only somewhat relate when my hubby traveled for his job. Not many of us know what it means to lose a spouse and become a single parent. I can't even imagine. Grieve when you need, cry when you want, and smile when you can.

Sending hugs and love...

Shiela in NY said...

Oh - P.S. I'm glad you are going to try the grief counseling. People grieve in their own way and in their own time and there's no magic number of months that says it's "time" or you should be "okay". Professional counselors can help you sort things out so I'm glad you're doing this. (Think of it this way...Karl went to counseling for his help in sorting things out. This is your time to do that now.)

Jan said...

Kim, the trip through grief is not linear. We aren't better and better as time goes by. It's better and worse for a long time. My husband died almost 20 years ago, but there are still times when the pain feels as fresh as at the very beginning. For no reason that I can discern, it smacks me upside the head.

If pills can help, then go for it! You have a big job to do yet, parenting your kids and being Grandma, so take good care of yourself. Your kids (and your readers) need you!

Jan Reuther

leese said...

Defeat?? As they say in Joisey, are you friggin KIDDIN me?? lol Seriously though; NOT defeat. What it IS admitting to is being a human being!! A beautiful, kind-spirited, feeling human being. As everyone here has said, you'll be best for your family when you're feeling your best. And because you can't conjure the superpowers you had hoped to possess (wink), it will be the best gift you both yourself and your kids to find support. We're all here behind ya, baby!!

Kim said... seriously made me LMFAO!! Thank you!!!!!!

Marci Connell said...

I am keeping you in my prayers...I think counseling will be good for you and might end up being a family thing that will help everyone with their grief. Nothing wrong with counseling. How is house hunting going?? Im here if you every need anything!

Becky said...

I love your honesty Kim. I have read your blogs for years and you have always made it real. Be gentle on yourself - you have been to hell and clawing your way back take time and you really cant do it on your own ... I am learning that the hard way.
Love from the UK

Meredith said...

Thinking and praying for you right now. And you're not admitting defeat; you're doing what you need to do to keep living, keep loving and remembering Karl all at the same time.

Sea52Jay said...

It is not defeat--it takes great STRENGTH to be woman enough to say, "I can't do this alone, I need help". Grief counseling exists for a reason.
Take it, embrace it. And know you are never going to be all alright. Love you girl, CJ


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