One Breath At A Time

I am still here, just not "there" yet, if you know what I mean.
The older kids have all gone home, it's just the 3 of us now.
Three of us? It's still so unreal.

I still see him {having many flashbacks} walking up the driveway.
Standing over his grill and much loved smoker.
Tending to his plants.
Sitting at the dinner table directly on the other side of me, we did this so we could look at each other.
Saying to me {in his best Italian accent} when dinner was over and he was stuffed, "Izzy you make my mouth so happy"
lol, the man had no Italian in him whatsoever, but you'd never know.
Playing "Amazing Adventures Around The World" on his old dinosaur of a computer that he refused to replace because he said it "still worked".
Walking in thru the kitchen/garage door with his lunch bag and whatever gifts he brought me that day. He always knew what I loved, and would surprise me all the time with little trinkets, trinkets I now hold so close, trinkets I treat as gently as a newborn baby.
Throwing the football in the backyard with the boys.
Sitting out in the screened in porch on "his chair", either reading or staring back into the house at the people he loved most.
Walking thru the mall, hand in hand.
Going grocery shopping, yes odd as it may seem, we shopped together a lot, any excuse to spend time together, on the weekends we'd drag the kids with us to Sam's Club and any place else we needed to be.
Sitting on the couch at night next to me at night, after he went in and said his good-nights and kissed the boys. He'd always around 9:30 say "Izzy I'm going to bed, you coming with me?" No matter what I was doing, I always did, we loved our cuddle time.

What I will always miss most.
Our nighttime ritual.
We'd watch a little TV {usually the Discovery Channel} and he would always set the sleep timer. right before we were about to nod off, he would say to me "Always kiss me good-night" and we did, every single night without fail, no matter what.
He once bought me a beautiful sign that he hung in our bedroom {he got it from target} that says on it simply "Always Kiss Me Good-Night".
Then we would get close side by side his arm protectively around me and that is how we would fall asleep every single damn night. We couldn't fall asleep any other way.
Often, when he would fall asleep first, I'd turn around one last time for the night and stare at him, to take in his beauty, every tiny feature, everything about him.
There were many times when I caught him doing the same to me, although he thought I was sleeping.

I can't sleep any other way. Sleeping pills and coffee are now my main source of anything. I know he's be pissed but I can't help it.
I'm living in hell right now and I can't find my way out. I want to be with him so badly but I know he wants me to stay put and raise those boys to be men, to enjoy all the things he will miss.
I know in my heart when my times comes, we will be together for all of eternity.
Until then, the pain that tears thru my heart, my soul, my whole body is still there, everyday, 24/7.

As I mentioned {I think I mentioned}, My Vinny was cremated and oddly enough his remains look like beach sand with tiny bits of crushed sea shells scattered in it. I was able to bring him home a couple of days ago and he is now on my night table, by my side again. Nobody can take that from me, ever.
I just wish with all my heart and all my soul that instead of kissing a cherry wood box at night, that I was kissing his beautiful perfect lips instead.

The kids and I had this flower arrangement placed on his casket, he loved flowers, especially the tropical kind and we all now he really loved his Jets.
I think he would have loved it.



Please pray for us, that we get thru each day, that the tears still come but not as often, that we can one day smile again, that he can still feel the love we have for him, that we don't lose this house {there are so many beautiful memories of him here, I couldn't even begin to tell you how many}, that I alone can somehow provide for the boys, that they become the men their Dad wanted them to grow up to be, that I don't lose my mind, and that we can get thru another day...

One Breath at a Time.