Sunday, January 2, 2011

One Breath At A Time

I am still here, just not "there" yet, if you know what I mean.
The older kids have all gone home, it's just the 3 of us now.
Three of us? It's still so unreal.

I still see him {having many flashbacks} walking up the driveway.
Standing over his grill and much loved smoker.
Tending to his plants.
Sitting at the dinner table directly on the other side of me, we did this so we could look at each other.
Saying to me {in his best Italian accent} when dinner was over and he was stuffed, "Izzy you make my mouth so happy"
lol, the man had no Italian in him whatsoever, but you'd never know.
Playing "Amazing Adventures Around The World" on his old dinosaur of a computer that he refused to replace because he said it "still worked".
Walking in thru the kitchen/garage door with his lunch bag and whatever gifts he brought me that day. He always knew what I loved, and would surprise me all the time with little trinkets, trinkets I now hold so close, trinkets I treat as gently as a newborn baby.
Throwing the football in the backyard with the boys.
Sitting out in the screened in porch on "his chair", either reading or staring back into the house at the people he loved most.
Walking thru the mall, hand in hand.
Going grocery shopping, yes odd as it may seem, we shopped together a lot, any excuse to spend time together, on the weekends we'd drag the kids with us to Sam's Club and any place else we needed to be.
Sitting on the couch at night next to me at night, after he went in and said his good-nights and kissed the boys. He'd always around 9:30 say "Izzy I'm going to bed, you coming with me?" No matter what I was doing, I always did, we loved our cuddle time.

What I will always miss most.
Our nighttime ritual.
We'd watch a little TV {usually the Discovery Channel} and he would always set the sleep timer. right before we were about to nod off, he would say to me "Always kiss me good-night" and we did, every single night without fail, no matter what.
He once bought me a beautiful sign that he hung in our bedroom {he got it from target} that says on it simply "Always Kiss Me Good-Night".
Then we would get close side by side his arm protectively around me and that is how we would fall asleep every single damn night. We couldn't fall asleep any other way.
Often, when he would fall asleep first, I'd turn around one last time for the night and stare at him, to take in his beauty, every tiny feature, everything about him.
There were many times when I caught him doing the same to me, although he thought I was sleeping.

I can't sleep any other way. Sleeping pills and coffee are now my main source of anything. I know he's be pissed but I can't help it.
I'm living in hell right now and I can't find my way out. I want to be with him so badly but I know he wants me to stay put and raise those boys to be men, to enjoy all the things he will miss.
I know in my heart when my times comes, we will be together for all of eternity.
Until then, the pain that tears thru my heart, my soul, my whole body is still there, everyday, 24/7.

As I mentioned {I think I mentioned}, My Vinny was cremated and oddly enough his remains look like beach sand with tiny bits of crushed sea shells scattered in it. I was able to bring him home a couple of days ago and he is now on my night table, by my side again. Nobody can take that from me, ever.
I just wish with all my heart and all my soul that instead of kissing a cherry wood box at night, that I was kissing his beautiful perfect lips instead.

The kids and I had this flower arrangement placed on his casket, he loved flowers, especially the tropical kind and we all now he really loved his Jets.
I think he would have loved it.

My-Angel-010-copy


Please pray for us, that we get thru each day, that the tears still come but not as often, that we can one day smile again, that he can still feel the love we have for him, that we don't lose this house {there are so many beautiful memories of him here, I couldn't even begin to tell you how many}, that I alone can somehow provide for the boys, that they become the men their Dad wanted them to grow up to be, that I don't lose my mind, and that we can get thru another day...

One Breath at a Time.

Photobucket

38 comments:

Lynn said...

Precious girl.. you said it best. ONE BREATH at a time.
I couldn't help but remember how happy and proud Karl was to get that house and how contented he was, to be raising his family in that house. He certainly treasured his family and his life.
I do fervently pray that you will be able to continue to live there and the boys can continue to enjoy the security of that home, knowing the pride their daddy felt in acquiring that home for all of you.
Oh, my heart just hurts so bad for you. I think of you so many times throughout every day. :"( It still seems so unreal.

God please comfort and carry the Ks day by day, even moment by moment. Grief is a hard process. Strengthen them with your love and remind them often that love never fails. Love is forever. Karl's love is forever with them and within them through so many memories and smiles.. the ordinary everyday things such as Kim listed in the post.. the fiber of his being was loving his family. Lord, please sustain them with your love and provide as you have promised in scripture, for the widow and the fatherless. May they find all their needs provided as they run to you -the Strong Tower of protection, refuge, comfort and provision.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and the crushed in spirit, He will save... He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." taken from Psalms 34:18 and Psalms 147:3

Please know we are all out here thinking of and praying for you continually. We are here to listen whenever you want to 'talk' and in some strange way, it's comforting for me as well, to hear you talk of Karl and the ordinary every day things that were simple, sweet treasures of life and love... you oten shared them on the blog so it brings a strange comfort to recall them now.

Love and Hugs,
Lynn

Lori said...

Kim why don't you set up a Pay Pal donations for those of us that would like to donate to you and the your the children. Also check your house insurance papers on mine if one of us should pass the house is paid off. Also sometime the bank that holds your mortgage has this to. If you need any help with of any of the of the body do not hesitate to let me know. Hugs Lori
I have contaced many on your behalf that have funds that you will be able to get please check your emails when you are up to it.

tricia said...

My heart is so sad for all of you. Karl would want you to hang in there for the boys yet would understand the grieving process that you must go through.

I hope Karl had life insurance in order to provide for his family.If not I'm sure you'll take care of the boys the best way you can.

I didn't realize that Kaysha didn't live at home anymore. Pooling of incomes would take some burden off of you right now.

One second at a time.....that's all you can do. Stay strong.

How are the boys doing?

Anonymous said...

Kim,
there are many mommy bloggers that provide a good source of income for their families by having advertising on their blogs. Blogger is one source. check out Kellyskornerblog.com
Maybe this could help. I also think you should write a book about your family, it would be a best seller. Photography could be another good source of income.

Anonymous said...

What a precious tribute to the man you love so very much.

Prayers and hugs to the K-Clan.

Connie F-G

Anonymous said...

Kim,
Your auto insurance should have a death benefit payment, your mortgage insurance should pay off your mortgage due to Karl's death, and the kids under 21 will qualify for social security. This should help you keep the house.

Cheyenne said...

Sweet memories to cherish - at least no one can take those away.

Kim, may God bless you and your children and make you all stronger each day.

Know that you are much loved and the prayers wil never stop so that you can lift yourself up and go on...one day at a time, one breath at a time.


Be strong.

Deneen. said...

Kim and K-Kids, the pain does ease but the heartache never goes away. Praying for all of you..

Anonymous said...

Kim,you are in my prayers and thoughts.One day at a time every step you take will be on a wing and a prayer.You will survive with lots of Love and God will sustain you thru this difficult time. Have Faith..even though is is hard and know "Vinny" will be proud of his "Izzy" Lots of hugs from Hemet.Sherry

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for years but never commented. I hadn't visited in a while and thought I'd check in on Kody. Needless to say, I'm shocked. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've always loved reading about your adventures with Karl. May he rest in peace. I just want to hug you.

Shiela in NY said...

Kim, Your words were beautiful. Surreal, but beautiful, all at the same time. My heart aches for what you are going through but like I told you the other night, Karl would want you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so that you can take care of those boys. Yes, they will step up to the plate and be the men of the house, but they also need their Mamma. Hold ALL of those wonderful memories close...and watch for signs from Karl. I believe these will help to get you through your days. I will write more later ... just stopped by for the upteenth time and wanted you to know.

LOVE & (((((HUGS))))...
Your Half-Sister Shiela :)

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear from you and no one can understand the depths of your grief. As your followers have seen, Karl was living sober so with that take the steps that all of those in recovery do - One Day at Time.. it will take time a great deal of time for certain but you and your family will be ok. I am praying for you all.

Anonymous said...

Kim, you are all on my mind all the time. I've been praying for peace for all of you. Thank you for posting...I've been worried about you. How are the boys doing? I know...stupid question. Please take care of yourself. I'm sure it's the last thing on your mind, but I'm pretty sure Karl/Vinny would want you to be good to yourself and take care of yourself. I have no other words....please know I'm thinking about you and your whole family.
Liz, NY

Anonymous said...

Now is the time you need to surround yourself with friends. Surround yourself with the ones that care, the ones that love you and know how strong of a women you are. Lean on them. All the "what can I do's"....use those people...use their ear. Talk often about your Vinny. It will be hard, but beneficial. You have a support team, use it. Encourage the boys to talk about their daddy. As hard as it will be, keep his spirit alive. Keep the memories alive. It won't ever be easy, but it will be worth it. It will be worth sharing your memories each and every day.
Keep busy. You know Karl would not want you sitting and sulking each and every day. He is watching you guys, and wants to see happiness.
Thinking of you Kim. Wishing you strength to carry on. Knowing that you can and will, as those boys they need their momma.

Mrs. Fun said...

Kim, I am so so so saddened. I don't visit your blog often, it has been a long while. I am deeply sorry for your loss. May you have strength to move forward. Lots of love to you and you and your family. You will remain in my thoughts.

Cathy Bowman said...

Kim,
My heart breaks for you. I read every word you wrote and know that it came straight from your broken heart. I am crying for you and the children. I always looked up to you and your family. You loved your kids and you and Karl lived every day to it's fullest. The love the two of you shared was very rare but very genuine! It was apparent in many blogs that you wrote. It will be hard to raise them on your own. You CAN do it though. You and Karl have already layed the foundation for them together. I have great faith that Kody bear and Kolin will grow into men that will make you shine with pride! You have people all over the world praying for you. You have people like me who love and care for you and your children though I've never met you. That says alot. That says that you have touched a lot of hearts through your writing. Whatever you need whatever you are worried about you post it on that blog and all of us who read this blog will help you! You are in my prayers continuously.
Love and super hugs for all of you.

Sea52Jay said...

Even though your post left me in tears, it is so good to hear from you. I am still worried about you but at least I will be calmer for a day or two. My heart breaks for you every day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please hug the kids for me. I am assuming the kids start back to school tomorrow. So please please be careful of spending alot of time alone while they are gone. Love you. You have my numbers. Hugs. CJ

Acutescrubnurse said...

Kim,
Been thinking about you and your family all week. I cannot even begin to imagine....
Please know that we are keeping you in our prayers daily.
Hold close the memories...
Rita

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I tried to call you but I must have an old cell number. I had no idea this happened. I was in Florida running away from my pain when your pain started. I am so so sorry.

207-240-4128 if you want to call

I probably have nothing to say that will help you - still dying every moment inside. But I'm here if you need anything.
Hallie

Kelle said...

I feel so bad for you and your family. Never let anyone tell you how to grieve. Grieving is so personal and it is something that will take time. God bless you and I hope that you find some kind of comfort in the days to come.

Kendall said...

Hi Kim....I was glad to see that you wrote a post today and hope that you find some healing in getting these feelings out........

Some good advice was given regarding finances. I know the task of digging through paperwork and making those calls & inquiries is daunting. If you need someone to do that with you, I'd be glad to help. I'm only about an hour away and would find it an honor to help in some small way.

I'm going to send you a facebook message with my contact info.

You might not feel strong but you are very strong. We are all rooting for you and so is Karl.

Andie said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I don't know you but have been following the blog for awhile now. I pray and will continue to pray for you all that you may eventually find peace.

Anonymous said...

Kim, I don't know you, but I think about you and your kids many times each day. There are really no words to describe how profoundly sorry I am that such a horrible tragedy has befallen your family.

Hang in there, friend. Gentle hugs to you and yours. I know it seems very hard, nearly impossible now, but do try to take care of yourself. Your wonderful husband would have wanted no less.

I'm not sure what kind of music you like, but this song was comforting to me during my own time of loss: http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/36467/

Anonymous said...

Let people help. It's okay. We all need help sometimes. Give us a way to send donations. There are many generous people out there who really want to help. Just let us know how

Amy K said...

Absolutely, one breath at a time.

I have been praying for your family, and will continue to do so. I pray for your strength, comfort, and security.

You're an amazing mom, and we know you will do whatever you have to in order to take care of you and your boys, just as you have always done! You're right, Karl would definitely want that for you & the boys.

My heart aches for you and your shattered heart....

Anonymous said...

Oh, I will pray for those exact things you asked for , over and over again.Stay strong for those boys, I now you will certainly try and do your best.
Donna, Ny

Dot O said...

I am praying - especially that you can feel Karl's presence every single day, urging you to go on with your life for your kids, and to enjoy life as much as you can - just like he did.

Sending hugs to you from far away.....

Stacy said...

I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and in my prayers...my husband lost his father suddenly at the same age as Kolin and I know the good memories that his mother helped maintained are the memories that dominate the thoughts of his father everyday. She also took a small portion of his ashes and placed them in a pendant that he has never removed (well once for an MRI but I held it for him) it means so much to him to have apart of his dad with him every day. My heart aches for all of you and I, like many of your cyber friends want to help if you need/want the help.
Big hugs to you and all the "K" kids.

Anonymous said...

Kim,

No words, just wanted to let you know your recent post was beautiful and brought me to tears.

Still praying and thinking of you and the kids.

Very stupid question, but how are the boys coping?
Please take care of yourself. Right now I know you are still in a fog and just going on auto-pilot, but you don't want to get yourself sick. Karl wouldn't want that.

You are a strong lady...you will work through this and you will continue to raise Kody and Kolin to be great men, one moment, one step and one breath at a time!

Hugs from Minnesota
Kris

Jenner said...

I am so, so very sorry. I've been away for awhile and just now got to read your blog. Oh Kim, I can't imagine the pain. I've been going thru some rough times with my boyfriend for quite awhile. Even though I've truly thought of breaking it off, I can't imagine living without him. I'm calling him right now to tell him so and that I will try my darndest to make things work. Your blog has always been an inspiration to me. How strong your family is. I'm just so shocked Karl is gone. I'm so, so sorry. Sending tons of love, hugs & prayers your way.
Jen in WI

Anonymous said...

Dear family,

You don't know me but I have followed your blog for quite some time and have been compelled to write and express my deepest sympathies to you all. There are no words that can comfort at this difficult time, especially from myself as a stranger, but please know there are many, many caring thoughts and prayers holding you close in this difficult time. Peace to you all.

Anonymous said...

Dear family,

You don't know me but I have followed your blog for quite some time and have been compelled to write and express my deepest sympathies to you all. There are no words that can comfort at this difficult time, especially from myself as a stranger, but please know there are many, many caring thoughts and prayers holding you close in this difficult time. Peace to you all.

Anonymous said...

Please let us help you financially. That should be the least of your worries. MANY people would love to give and help. And we are helpless any other way due to distance etc. Let all of us donate money so you can take care of your young childrens loss and not worry about bills.
ellie NJ

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I hadn't checked your blog since the middle of December. My heart is breaking for you and your family. May you continue to feel all the love and support from all of us out here. May God comfort you and your family and know that I am praying for all of you.
Hugs from Iowa,
Marjie

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family. Wishing you strength and peace

Anonymous said...

I have never posted on your site before, but I followed your updates on Kody's caringbridge web site for a couple years.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I could always feel the love and devotion you and Karl had for each other.

I will keep you and your precious family in my prayers.


Cindy in VA

Dottie said...

Kim,

Think of all of the K's today...I found something that you might like...Actually Hallie from Wonderful World has one that someone gave her for her precious CJ...Contact me So I can give you details and see if you would like one too....You have my stuff via email but if not I can send it again to you.....Much love and hugs to you today.....

Dottie

beverly said...

Kim, I will try to keep this brief. I have read your blog for YEARS, but had somehow lost track of it about a year ago. I heard about Karl on another blog yesterday. I am so very sorry and don't think there is anything else I can say about that. I will think of you and your precious children and pray for you.
However, I want to tell you that your writing over the years shows so much love in a family and has always touched me. And now that I have read this, it has had such an effect just in 24 hours on how I think about my 30 year marriage. So while I am so sorry you are going through this, if it could help just a tiny bit to know that your relationship with him that will ALWAYS live on in your heart, has also helped others.
SOOO sorry...please take care.
Bev

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