Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Kody's Day

I can't believe in the midst of everything, I almost forgot about our Bear.
On January 8th, we celebrated his 9th year of kicking cancers ass. :0)

We had some ice cream that afternoon on the way to pick up a small cake...


Bless his heart, Kolin tried to be the best cake decorator he could. Somehow cake deco probably won't be in his future. lol.


Our two beautiful boys, happy 9 years Bear...


This was taken the same weekend, we had gotten out and took a nice long walk. Well, OK..I walked, Kody ran and Kolin biked it.


Life continues on, but will never be the same.
Grieving and the feeling of loneliness and hopelessness is still there, every day, it just doesn't take a break, ever.
Today I put on make up. baby steps, I know. It'll most likely be cried off by lunchtime but hey, I gave it a shot, right?
I heard him call my name very early two mornings ago. I was clearly woken up by the sound of his voice saying only "Kimberley". I wish I could have heard more, it was beautiful hearing that again.

I decided not to take the meds the Dr. prescribed {with of course the exception of antibiotics to knock the bronchitis down}. They made me sleep all of the time and when I was awake I was more like a zombie then anything. I have to be alert for the boys, so it's just not worth it to me.

I still for the life of me cannot accept that Vinny is no longer a living, breathing part of my life. Why is it I still look out the window and expect him to pull up or look out on the porch and see him sitting in his chair. Why can't I get it through my thick head he is not coming back, not ever.
I still sleep with his dirty hoodie every night. I hope that thing never loses it's scent, it was so much like him everyday when he'd come home. Smelled just like he'd been working his ass off outdoors all day long. I remember hugging him every day when he'd walk in the door, and thinking "Damn I need to wash that thing". Now all I can think of is "Damn I hope that thing never loses his scent".
Crazy, huh?

That's about it today, sorry I wish I could do more.



Marci Connell said...

I cant imagine the pain you feel everyday. I remember losing my dad and his hat that I received smelt just like him. I had that hat hanging on my headboard for years. My dad passed away 11 years ago and it just lost its smell finally. I hate it. I love listening to home movies and hearing his voice because it is all I have left. Through the tears remember you have really beautiful memories and children, and great friends(ME) if you need anything. Love ya

Shiela in NY said...

THANKS so much for sharing such a special post, Kim! I can't believe you've hit the 9 year mark! I was sorting out my jewelry the other day (okay, and organizing it again) and when I saw Kody's blue band I immediately put it on and rubbed the words. I read the words again and again. Life IS tough, but ALL of you ARE tougher!

While I agree that Kolin's cake decorating isn't too great, I have to admit it's not much worse than my own - haha! I loved seeing the boys in their Jets jerseys. (I noticed, though, that Kody either looks tired or thinner in the third pic. I imagine he's worn out, much like yourself.)

I'm not surprised you are sleeping with Karl's hoodie; I've wondered about that and think I'd do the same thing. Waking up to him calling your name must have been great in ways. Hard way to wake up, though, huh? I'm also not surprised that you keep watching for him. Not that this is ANY comparison but we do things out of habit and I've done that with pets once they are gone. You go to feed them, step over them, etc. and they are only around for 1/3 of the time you and Karl were together. :( :( After my mom passed away I went to call her SOOO many times. We talked on the phone daily so it was a big adjustment for me. Her birth date was Saturday...oh, how I wish I could have picked up the phone.

Well, I've rambled long enough. I sure hope you're keeping yourself hydrated and trying to eat when you can. LOVE & ((((HUGS)))) as always...

Dot O said...

Still with you in prayer every day. In the pics both boys are smiling, but I can't see the smile in Kolin's eyes... Hoping and praying the joy will return in their hearts.

Hoping and praying that Karl sends you signs daily to let you know he has not left your side....

Anonymous said...

Baby steps are great! Some days you may not take steps forward and may take them backward instead. That's okay Kim. You do what you need to do to survive each day and be able to take care of your boys.

You are an incredible woman and the love you shared with Vinny was precious.

Prayers and hugs,
Connie F-G

Sea52Jay said...

Baby steps are good, every step that doesn't go backwards is progress. It's going to be a long road back to some semi-semblance of something like living (we know it will never be all right again) but each week you will get a little stronger and smile a little bit more and watch those boys grow into men. Through all your kids and grandkids, you will always have a part of him that you can see and touch. Don't apologize for this update being all you can manage, it is WONDERFUL to us out here that think about you daily and pray for healing strength for you. Don't apologize for being real, we aren't asking for happy-happy, just real Kim and the K's---pain, anger, frustration, laughter and tears. Much love to you all, CJ

Anonymous said...

Live in the moment...
--- now you celebrate with Bear
--- next you celebrate with Kolin
--- then you try that make-up again
Glad to hear you are getting out of the house!
Someone in Tampa

Stacy said...

It is very nice to see the boys with smiles on their faces. Please don't worry about being depressed on here. People don't just come here for the sunshine, happy days we come here for your reality and that's what keeps people coming back and caring so deeply for you and your family. I remember hearing my Grandma's voice soon after she died saying "sweetheart" in her raspy Pall Mall voice, I know it was her and i am sure your Vinny was there for you too. Please know that every day you and your family are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

Anonymous said...

WOW! 9 yrs that is awesome ! God bless that young man.
Donna, ny

Cheyenne said...

First of all, congratulations Kody! Way to go.

Your boys have grown into fine, young men. Glad to see them smiling. I know it's not an easy task these days.

Also glad to see you know what is best for you. Pills aren't always the answer, but sometimes they help.

I'm a Giants fan but I am glad to see those Jets doing great, too. At least NY is represented (I spent my childhood summers on the Island).

Daily prayers are still coming from me to you.

Anonymous said...

It's always nice to see pics of the kids. I can't help but notice though how empty and sad Kollins eyes look in the pictures, and it breaks my heart.
Continued prayers for all of the K clan.

Anonymous said...

My dad died 20 years ago and there are still times I think I see him. You will get through this I promise. I am proud of all the things you are trying to do and that in your heat you know things will be manageable. Don't beat yourself up Kim. WE all grieve at our own pace, no right or wrong way. Just know we are all out here for you. I thought of you guys while watching the Jets win!!! Thanks for the update. You are all in my daily prayers.
Hugs from Iowa,

Swtnnice said...

Way to go Kody on 9 years of kicking cancers ass. My daughter and I have followed your site for about that amount of time. We are so sorry for your families loss I was in total shock. Our hearts go out to all of you.

ErIn said...

Kim and family,

I think you all often. I've been where you are. It does get easier, believe it or not. It's been 2 years for me. I still cry at least once or twice a week. But we have to keep going, for our kids. And if it makes you feel any better, I sometimes find myself sniffing the jar of minced garlic. Matthew always smelled like garlic, it was his favorite thing to eat.

Lots of hugs and know that a stranger in Missouri is thinking of you.

Cheri said...

Kim, thinking and praying for you all lots. Thank you for reminding me of something today. Every night my stinky smelly mess of a logger comes home and I pretend to be offend by the smell but deep down, that smell drives me wild! I will remember to cherish those moments for we never know how long one has. I know this from Kate's diagnosis 10 years ago but sometes I need that reminder.

tricia said...

i think of you every day and continue to wish things get more bearable.

Amy K said...

Congrats to Kody for another year of whoopin'!
Kim, I'm certainly no expert, but I think the things you're feeling are perfectly "normal". You're greiving, going through every emotion possible. What I do know, is that you need to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling - it's OK...it needs to be felt!
I'm still praying for all of you, and thinking of you often throughout each day. My heart hurts for your shattered heart!
Take care of yourself....

Mitzi in NC said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! Lean on Jesus and He will walk with you every step of your painful journey - and when you cannot walk anymore, He will carry you!!

leese said...

Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. All you can hope for with this heavy shroud of grief is babysteps my friend. Somedays, maybe just getting to THINK about the babysteps is all you can muster. And that's fine too. <3

JustJn said...

congrats kody!! 9 years is something to be very proud of!! it's so nice to see the boys smiling. kolin may not be a pro at cake decorating but it's the thought that counts.
baby steps are a good thing. take it one day at a time.
sending luv and hugs from az.

Jenner said...

Congrats Kody!! Hang in there K's. We are all here for you.
Love, Hugs & Prayers,
Jen in WI

Anonymous said...

9 years - that's amazing!! Hard to believe I have been following the K family for such a long time. Way to go Kody, keep kicking cancer's a**.

Continue to think about you all and pray daily for strength for you. You are such a strong, close and amazing family - I believe you all will be fine.

Kim we love to hear from you when you feel up to it to write - write what you feel and don't hold back, you have a hugh support group here for you.

Hugs from Missouri,


Cathy Bowman said...

KODY YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Kim- I can't believe how big he is!!!!!!!! He is so tall and his shoulders are HUGE! I too have tried to decorate a cake. You couldn't even read what I wrote. LOL. So, Kolin really did do a good job. :) My son is 6 now and I will cry when one day he gets as big as Kody.
I believe eventually you will learn how to deal with the pain better. Bask in the joy your children give you. I know it's bittersweet right now but I believe it will get better. I love you guys. I don't know how to help except with my words. So I am trying! You're in my prayers

Lynn said...

So proud of Kody for continuing to kick that cancer booty! Great cake Kolin! It ain't how it looks, but how it tastes that matters! Hee hee!
Someone mentioned their blue Kody wrist band - I still have mine too! : )When I look at it, I still see that adorable little boy I first met up with online. Lord have mercy, he stole my heart all those years ago. He's grown and changed so much.
While it's good to see their faces again, the pain in their hearts is so evident on those sweet faces. My heart hurts for yall. I know they love their mama and worry for her well-being as much as she worries for theirs.
You might call and mention the side affects of the particular medicine the dr put you on. There are many to choose from and another might work better for you. The goal is to take the edge off and allow you to feel more like yourself - not to knock you out. They;ll be happy to try something else - may even start with samples until you hit on the one that works best for you. (((( BLESS YOUR HEART. ))))
Moment by moment, day by day...
You are loved!

Lynn said...

P.S. Thanks for removing that pesky word verification that tripped me up every time! It worked perfectly tonight.

You guys have some good cuddle time together, and take care of each other.

Wendy B., CA said...

I stumbled on your blog on accident, but wanted you know I'm very touched by your story, and inspired by the strength that God has blessed you with. I know it's a "one day at a time" thing, but know that you've got one more person praying for you and your family. I pray that God comforts you through your loss, and gives you the hope of eternity with Vinny. God bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Kim, I'm so very sorry that you are going through all this. I lost my Dad two years ago and we were very close. I know this is different as it is not my spouse, BUT I swear that I too can look outside and see him. I still cry daily for my Dad. He too died suddenly and while it is a blessing he didn't suffer, it is also difficult because we didn't get a proper 'good bye'. My tears are flowing now just thinking of all of you. I'm so sorry....

(ps. sorry don't mean to do this as anonymous I just can't think of my user name right now)

Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on yourself you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling, you owe it to no one to not write "depressing" posts you are allowed to be angry sad and whatever other emtotion you feel. Grief is very personal and this is sadly yours to carry.

I found when I lost my Mom who next to my daughter was my life, I made the mistake of trying to figure our every feeling I was having..Was I crazy? should I feel this? am I supposed to feel that? am I a nut because for one second I wanted to lay on her grave to be near her? all those thoughts and many more, when I accepted what I was feeling and stopped trying to figure it all out I slowly began to heal and just ride the waves, remember feelings, good and bad come in waves and waves never last forever the bad feelings will come and thankfully receed
be easy on yourself, you didn't ask for this, is new and it sucks
thinking of you
Barb from Canada

Anonymous said...

9years that's awesome!Your cake is cool! Everyday do something together and hold each other close.You can do it.I have Faith, and Hope and you have Love.Hugs to you.

Maloy said...

I always knew you were a BAD mother. :-)) Not only you forgot that your son's been kicking cancer's ass for 9 years (Congrats, Kody, I didn't remember either. You'll have to live with people forgetting that. FOR MANY DECADES TO COME!!!) but when you DID remember, you made your baby-boy decorate the cake!!! ARGH! What's next? Sending them to the store to steal you some scotch? :-P Get a grip, girl!

PS I know I'm supposed to be compassionate and supportive but telling YOU that I know how bad YOU feel just doesn't rock my boat. So I do what I can to make you feel better. And if you smile at least at ONE of those stupid jokes, my quota of good deeds for the day will be done. Hey, everyone wants to go to heaven, not just you Catholics! :-D

Stay cool, lassie.

Melissa said...

While I cannot understand what you are going through, I have been in your children's shoes and I know that it SUCKS. I wish I had a more eloquent way to say that, but there isn't any. It just SUCKS. I also hated when people that I barely knew told me that it would get better. So many times I had to control the urge to sass back, "Well of course it's going to get better... It can't get WORSE!" Here I am, 15 months later, and I can say that no, the pain doesn't go away. It just gets duller and becomes incorporated into your life. It becomes a part of who you are. It doesn't make me a sadder, less interesting person, it's just a new dimension that's constantly there.

Anyway - I hated when random people would offer useless advice, so since I'm a random person (first time reading your blog!), I'm going to offer some helpful advice:

My grandmother always said that she fell in love with the scent of my grandfather. When he walked by, she would take a deep breath, and say, "Oh, what a good-smellin' man... Such musk!" They were a pair of 60 year olds who acted like 16 year olds!! When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother couldn't bear the idea that she wouldn't be able to smell him anymore. So, she took ALL of his clothes, clean and dirty, and stored them in sealed plastic bags (like the big vacuum sealed ones on the TV commercials) along with his soap, cologne, after shave, cigarettes, etc. She would take out one article of clothing and sleep with it until it lost it's smell. Once it lost its smell, she would put it in a box to take to Goodwill. Then, she'd get another article of clothing from the sealed bag. It's been 18 years, and she still has clothes! She doesn't get clothes out of the bags as much as she did in the first few years, but she says it's comforting to know that he's still with her.


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