Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Hope Street

As I mentioned yesterday {I did, right?} I dropped the boys off at school and took a nice long walk, on a gray day, before it started raining at a park Vinny and I used to frequent quite a bit back in the day when we were desperately fighting to keep our marraige together.
I had to go there for some reason, I don't know why but it is where I needed to be, alone in my thoughts.

In this park there is a man made pond and a fountain in the middle. If anyone knows Leesburg, you'll all know this as "Fountain Park" and it is located right next to The City Of Leesburg office.
There are really only palm trees and elm trees and while I was walking my four laps {which equals a mile}, in one certain spot I kept smelling the scent of a pine tree, much like a fresh Christmas tree.
Totally weird cuz, well I didn't think elms and palms could smell like pine.
Totally crazy cuz Vinny loved the scent of pine, he'd always put those God awful pine scented air fresheners in his car and I...HATED....IT!! BLEECH!!!!!

OK, so I keep walking and what do I see on the ground but, please don't laugh...
White dog shit.
I know, I know, you all think I have completely lost it. I promise I haven't yet.
One of our favorite movies was "Step Brothers" with Will Farrel. OMG we would watch that movie all of the time and laugh so much.
I remember one day, this past November when Vinny bought the boys sling shots. and would bring them to his job where he set up targets in an empty part of the lot and let them have at it.
The boys were sooo happy and I can still remember the sound of Vinny's laugh when Kolin said something to the effect of...
"Thanks Dad it's about time you got us something cool!!!!"
Anyway, the white dog shit had something to do with the movie too and damn did I get a laugh when I saw that. I mean after all, I was of course asking, pleading and looking for a sign from him letting me know he was there. WDS? The man had a sense of humor like no other.
I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture and then sent it off to our kids who "got it" and thought it was hysterical too.

After my one mile, it was started to rain so I left to get to the post office so I could mail out a package to Karl's family in NY. I decided for some crazy reason {and I am NOT adventurous so this was weird} to drive down a road I had never in 12 years of living here been down before. I was just looking for a quick short cut way to the post office cuz I really didn't want to be out in public anymore.
That's when I looked up and as if put there by my beautiful Angel, a sign letting me know he is with me and has never left.


"HOPE", my favorite word in the world and he knows it. I can't even begin to tell you how many things I have collected through the years with the word "Hope" on it. In fact, Vinny bought me my ornament for this year, a simple while ceramic tile with the word "Hope" on it. I had it hung in his casket next to his ornament we got for him.
He knew, without a doubt this would get my attention and it did.

I honestly have to say though that I didn't feel his presence the rest of the day and to add to the gray rainy day, after getting Kolin from school and running into Publix to pick up Kody's medicines and two bags of groceries, I went back out to the jeep and found it to be dead. The ignition key went in but didn't budge. I tried everything I could think of but finally called our auto ins. and got towed.
I am NOT looking forward to that pricey phone call today but I got to have a vehicle so what can I do?

I am going to admit something here...I came home and yelled at Vinny, I gave him hell. He would have rescued us, he would have fixed that problem, he would have done it all. I'd have never been sitting in a two truck with our kid and two bags of groceries.
I'd have a working jeep sitting in the driveway this morning. I'd have two kids in school. I'd have not had a car repair bill to look forward to. I'd have not had to call a friend and ask for her husband to drop everything and come bring us home.
Yes, I bitched at my man like he has never heard me bitch before.
"Glad your living life in your F*****G paradise dude while the rest of us are stuck here in this HELL!!"

Then I went and warmed up some leftover soup from the night before, folded some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and around 9:30 finally parked myself on the couch to read a book on loan from my best friend in Florida, Karrie.
That one book has opened up my eyes like nothing has. It was exactly what I needed at that very moment.
I realize that all these feelings I have are not me going crazy but a completely normal part of grieving.
I am actually not the only one going through this, although it sure does feel like it's me against the world.

I did apologize before I went to bed last night and I am sure he heard me, I hope so anyway cuz I do feel really bad for yelling so much.

This morning I'll wait for that call from the car place and drink lots of tea cuz as if I needed anything else right now, I woke up sick as a dawg.
Apparently grieving hard will eventually wear the body down bad. I am feeling it today. :(



Anonymous said...

Hi Kim, Don't ususally leave comments, but your "yelling" at Mr. K brought back memories. I have a friend whose husband passed away after a brief, but devastating illness. She once told me she kept two pictures of him in her bedroom...one with him looking his handsome self and the other of him when he was sick. She would yell her head off at the handsome picture cursing her for leaving him and she would grieve for the picture of him where he was not well. She said it helps her keep her sanity while grieving.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kim, I'm with you! When a connection is as deep as that of you and Karl, it can not even be severed by death! It's much stronger than death! I totally believe Karl is still with you and the kids and guiding you.....

As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers...

Jennifer P
Washington State

Shiela in NY said...

What a ROLLER COASTER, Kim. Good emotions, sad emotions, bad emotions, angry emotions. I'm so glad your friend gave you that book to read...sounds like it will be very helpful. I have never gone through what you are experiencing and I know the pain I have had "just" losing my mother and brother (the two closest people that I've lost so far). But in my cases I was prepared. I knew death was coming. From the moment that officer knocked on your door 3 weeks ago you've had a roller coaster ride that nobody deserves. I'm glad the walk in the park gave you solice ... and signs for Karlio. The street sign is amazing! I'm glad you have seen all of these SIGNS!!!

That movie sounds like fun; I liked the last one you recommeneded (was it Bird Cage w/Robin Williams?) so now I'll have to rent this movie sometime. I'll add it to my list. :)

I hope you are eating better, Kim. You KNOW you need to take care of yourself. Karl wouldn't want it any other way. Hey, I just noticed I used the word "hope"...I'll think of you from now on when that word comes up and I'm sure you're cherising your Christmas gifts from Karl this year.

Was going to try and call you again today but think I'll let you hibernate w/o interruptions from me. :) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, k???

Dana Saldivar said...

Praying for you Friend. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Lynn said...

((((( BLESS YOUR HEART ))))) I confess that these are the sorts of thoughts that scare me sometimes. My husband landed in the hospital Thanksgiving weekend a year ago and ended up having a heart cath and a stent put in. He was VERY FORTUNATE as they told us he had a 90+ % blockage in the LAD (which is the big front artery which they call 'the widow-maker') and it was trying to seal closed, down to the smallest trickle of blood getting through when I MADE him go to that hospital. Had it completely blocked, they said he would have dropped dead.

Ever since then I find myself thinking about all the things he does. Of course he aggravates me to no end (he's a male!) But as you said, when something happens I count on him to figure a way to fix it, to make things right, to rescue us, to repair something gone wrong (like your Karl, he is a very handy guy and can fix most anything, saving much money over the years in repairs.)He can always figure out how to make ends meet. Somehow he always thinks of something to do to make it all work.
It scares me to just think of what I would do if he were suddenly not here and all those regular "life things" started happening as they are prone to do.
Oh Kim, sending you a BIG BIG HUG because I know the anxiousness of these kinds of thoughts, and now you are faced with the reality of them.
You are a strong, strong gal. But never hesitate to build a support network around you and make use of them when you need to. People truly do not mind helping others. There are many areas that have guys, maybe members of a church who have ministries of helping moms like yourself, by doing repairs or car work or things that might be difficult for moms to do. You might get on a local online forum (my city has a forum online and I have learned so much about the services and people in my community by just joining and reading that forum.)Just ask if there is a ministry of that type that you might call on from time to time. I tell you, people LOVE to help others if they are just made aware of a need.

I pray for you that day by day you will go forward in that hope that I know you have, carrying the love and all the lessons from Karl with you.
I bet along the way you observed some of the handyman's work, and retained it in your mind. I know I have and from time to time, I've been able to do something myself instead of waiting on Bobby to do it. He's always proud and says, "I've taught you well, girl!" : ) I know Karl is so very proud of his strong girl as well.

I read something one time that has stuck with me and given me comfort when I missed my loved ones so much - it goes like this....
"If my loved one is with the Lord and the Lord has promised to be with me, then we are never far apart."

Love to all of you,

Lynn said...

The word verification feature on here, has been giving me FITS each time I try to comment. I don't know if others are experiencing it, but it's always a red x now and I have to remember to copy my comment after I write it, then refresh the page to see the verification. If it shows up, then I paste my comment and try to submit it and the page messes up again and says it cannot be displayed. After several tries I always hope the comment really went through, since I can't see it until you approve it.

Since you already use comment moderating in order to preview comments before they show, could you disable that word verification thingy? I think it is to prevent spam but Blogger has improved their spam control recently and on my blog I've seen almost all spam go to their spam catcher instead of posting to my comments.

I'm just posting this so you know what is happening. It's not meant to be a comment and you can certainly delete it unless you think others might be having the same problem.
Love ya!

Anonymous said...

HOPE...without it, you have nothing! Karl will always be with you and the kids.

Kody follower

tricia said...

Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way that feels right for you. Ups and downs.....one day at a time.

I'm telling you,I still can't believe Karl is gone.

Kendall said...

Kim, I see your normal self coming back. It made my heart happy to read about your signs yesterday. Even the yelling. You're showing some spunk & attitude!

Please please take care of yourself. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, take vitamins, and try to get enough sleep.

We need to schedule a day to visit!

Anonymous said...

I sure hope you feel better fast. That's the last thing you need right now. Well, that and a car repair bill. Sorry about that. I think of you guys several times throughout the day. Just wanted you to know....
Liz, NY

paxton said...

on november 5th, 2004 the lights went out at school and we all got to leave early durring 4th period. why am i telling you this? well, on november 5th, 2003 my friend DJ died. we had music together durring 4th period... all my friends had that class together. DJ was making it so all his friends could go home early.
going home early rocked, but it rocked even more to know that DJ was still playing jokes and thinking of us even though he was in heaven.

mr k is showing you that he's still thinking of you. he's probably always going to think of you and send you awesome signs. breath them in and hopefully you can enjoy knowing that he is still connected to you, even though he's not on earth.


Cheyenne said...

Thanks for sharing those stories with us. It gives me "hope" that you are going to be okay.

Anonymous said...

What is the name of the book that helped you?

Anonymous said...

Hi Kim, I haven't checked in on you and the "K" family for awhile but when I checked yesterday, my heart breaks for you and your family. Holding you and your family in my prayers!

Alice E

Anonymous said...

Hope is such a great word. I'm so glad that you are seeing such a positive word already. There will be good and bad minutes I'm just thankful that you are seeing "hope."

Prayers and hugs,
Connie F-G

Kelle said...

In 2004 I donated bone marrow for a 17 year old young man who had cancer. In less than 5 months, he lost his battle with this beast. Later, I talked with his mother and she said how when she would go into a store or out in public, she would want to scream, "Hey, don't you know what has happened here? I just lost the most incredible kid in the world." She felt the need to want to get on an antidepressant so that this would help with the pain, but the doctor put her off so that she could go through the steps of grief because if you stiffle it, it will just delay her depression and not let her deal with it naturally. I am unsure if she pursued this, but her life has gone on and I know that she will never 'not grieve' him. I know that this grief is so raw right now and it is crushing you. Hang in there Kim...Karl would want you to continue doing the excellent job that you are doing with all of your kids.

Anonymous said...

Kim,I'am so glad you are feeling
Karl's presence.It makes me smile and I know you are going to be fine.Hope is a good thing! Take care of yourself ..things will work themselves out.Faith and 1 step at a time.Remember keep close and know you are not alone.Sending hugs from Hemet.Sherry

Amy said...

I can't stop thinking about you guys. My heart is so heavy and I am just so sad. I hate that this happened to you. It just isn't fair. You have already been through so much. I remember reading about Karl's problems and how you worked things out. You two were meant to be together and nothing can ever seperate you, not even death. He is with you in everything you do, he's in your heart and soul.
Love you bunches

Kristi said...

Always praying for you and your family!!

Pam said...

Dear Kim, I came to your blog this evening to look at your fun pictures and as I was going through the last few posts I got a horrible panic stricken feeling as I started comprehending what was happening. I am so shocked and sad for your family. I have been following Kody for years and have come to adore your family. You have always been so honest with your readers and I think that is why I feel that I know you all.

I know how much Vinnie loved you all and how much you loved him. You have all been through so much and this just really seems so wrong for this to have happened. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how empty you feel.

I hope you can feel a small bit of comfort knowing that there are many people you have never met who are grieving with you. I will keep your family wrapped in my thoughts and prayers. God bless all of you.


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