Saturday, January 15, 2011

Everyday is Still a Nightmare

Waking up is a chore, trying to care for two boys is not easy. Seems they care for me more then I do for them.
But, we are surviving which is in no way even close to living.

I am really going to try and put a conscious effort into not being so depressing on here.
Although I did manage to drag myself to the Dr's yesterday. Three things I now need to be treated for are...
Bronchitis, dehydration and depression.
Depression? Hmmmmm, that's a new one, never been there before.
He did prescribe some med's, {antibiotics, Xanax & Paxal {not sure if I spelled these right} so far I see no difference and I told him {the Dr.} I am nowhere ready to stop grieving. The pain is OK, I still need to feel it. I just want to be able to break down this wall I have built around me and become a Mom again.
I have 6 amazing kids and 2 boys that need me very badly.
I wake up every morning for them.
I smile for them.
I listen to their Dad stories for them.
I hug them.
I worry about them.
I love them, love that only a Mom can feel for their child.
I still love my Vinny, I will ALWAYS love him. In only a way wife a wife/best friend/and lover can feel.
When he left, he took a part of my heart and my soul with him.
I dream of the day our hearts and souls can be reunited again.

"Living in a world so cold, wasting away. Living in a shell with no soul since you've gone away. Living in a world so cold counting the days since you've gone away from me. I feel like I'm losing my mind."
**Three Days Grace**




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22 comments:

tricia said...

i think of all of you daily and wish that things get easier;more livable because we all know the pain will always be with you to some degree.please take care of yourself. the depression meds won't kick in for a few weeks.

Shiela in NY said...

PHEW! I was starting to get in panic mode, as you hadn't even refreshed the comments section. I am sorry you are sick, Kim. I know it's probably tough, but you gotta try and take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve as much and as often as your body feels. I found when my brother died I was telling all sorts of people and also turning into a "soap box moment" and talking about his colon cancer and the importance of early screenings, etc. It just felt good to continue to talk about him, no matter what way. I think one day you'll look back at your posts here on you Blog and be thankful that you've kept this diary of sorts.

PLEASE HANG IN THERE...I think about you every day. (Hope you don't mind that I sent Kaysha's card there....not sure when you'll see her next but wanted to send one to her as well. I feel like I "know" your three youngest the most.)

Love & Hugs from NY!

Dot O said...

Kim, it takes at least 2-3 weeks for the antidepressants to kick in. It will happen, you will notice it slightly. Be patient. Grieve because you do need to do that and you recognize that. The kids and you are the only priorities right now. We will keep up the prayers on our end.

Stacey said...

Kim,

I have followed your website for years. I am so sorry for your loss and those in your family. I lost my Dad at 18 years old and know how it feels to lose your Dad at a young age. My prayers are with you and your children.

As for your website - don't worry about being depressing on it. Use it for what you need it - I am sure your readers will understand and pray for you.

As for depression meds - I take some for anxiety and have been told it takes a few weeks for them to get into your system and for you to notice a different - so hang in there.

My prayers are with you.

Stacey

Anonymous said...

Kim, I am glad you went to the doctor and are realizing you need some assistance. I think that is a good step. Know we out here are all praying for all of you. Hoping that each day you will find a reason to smile and be able to put one foot in front of the other. I think you will grieve for as long as you need to and will never completely get over this but will be able to manage the pain.
Hang in there.
Hugs form Iowa!!
Marjie

Alisa White said...

I think of you and your kids all the time Kim. The pain never does go away, you just learn to live with it. Keep coming on here, talk about your Vinny as much as you want. You have a big support system here. XOXOXOX

Cheyenne said...

Kim, you know our hearts go out to you and your family. We are all thinking about you. I know that doesn't help much but just keep hanging in there. There will come a day when you will turn a corner, a tiny corner at best, and you will get better.

Jenner said...

I think of you all every day. Hang in there. "Life is Tough, but YOU are Tougher" (I still wear Kody's wristband).
Love, Hugs & Prayers,
Jen in WI

JustJn said...

i just wanted to stop by and let you know there isn't a day that goes by when i don't think of y'all. hang in there kim,go thru the steps of grieving and keep those awesome kids of yours close to you. sending lots of love from az.

Anonymous said...

Check on you often.

Continued prayers to you and your family.

Hugs!
Connie F-G

Linnae said...

Dear Kim, thanks for posting and keeping us updated on how you are doing. Grieve your way and don't let anybody put a timeline on you. This is YOUR journey and only yours. You have to go through it however it is for you and it will be different from everybody elses journey. Allow people to be by your side to listen but do it the way you need to. My bf lost his wife in an accident and he still goes through bouts of grieving. Most of us can't begin to understand but most of us are willing to listen and care. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Maybe join a grief group in your area -- I'm sure there are some close to you. Please continue to write as I'm sure that is also helpful!!

Shiela in NY said...

Woohoo! Another win for Karl's team!!! <3

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are able to write about how you're feeling and I hope in some way it can help you through the grief process.
I don't know if it's been suggested to you or if you've looked into grief counseling but it also can be a huge help as you go through the coming days.
Still praying for you and your family. I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts to the depth of your soul.
As many have said though "Vinny" would be very proud of you for keeping on keeping on and I know he's with you in spirit every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

Kim
I still come here daily to check on you.
Today I pulled up your blog to not only check on you, but to Thank Karl.....those Jets, yep I believe he has something to do with that!!!
:) Thanks Karl!

You are stronger than you know. Keep on keeping on for those two awesome boys of yours...and of course all your other K's too!!
Still praying!!

Anonymous said...

Let this website be a spot where you can pour your heart and soul out...nobody would expect anything else from you right now!

I think of you all daily.

Cheri
Kody follower

Anonymous said...

It doesn't go away but it does get better. You think it never will but it does. One day you'll look at your boys and see "him" and be able to smile again.
Linda

Cathy Bowman said...

Hey Kim,
All I know to say is hang in there. I take paxil and it will help you. It cannot in anyway make you numb and it can't make you happy. But It will definitly help with anxiety and maybe lift the fog a little bit so you can be there for your kids. Remember you can always stop taking it. It does take a good 2-3 weeks to start working. Okay I feel like a doctor giving out instrucitons. I'm such a dork sometimes! I just wanted you to know the info....... :)
I love you guys. I am holding you all here close to my heart. I will pray for you. Stay strong and remember all the people around the world praying for all of you.

Linda R. said...

Thinking of you and the boys, Kim. You all are in my prayers.

Love, hugs and ladybugs,
Linda

Julie in Savannah said...

Kim,
I've been ready your blog ever since I found Kody's page on caringbridge. I check in from time to time and was devestated to read of your loss. I am so sorry. You have some incredible children and I know your husband lives on in them. Take care and I am sending prayers for all of you.

Amy said...

I was wondering if you would be up for a visit soon? I have always wanted to meet you, and I'm dying to give you a big hug. So let me know. Here is my email mnasworthy@tampabay.rr.com

Anonymous said...

Hi Kim!

I couldn't help but notice in the pictures that Kody is looking more like his dad every day. It was striking when I first looked at them.

Please reconsider stopping the Paxil. You're computer savvy enough- look up half life related to medicines- it does not start effecting you for about 21 days. Give it a chance to work before you give up on it. I understand your hesitant to take the Xanax- but that is different as it's a depressant. The Paxil will make it easier to put one foot in front of the other and will help to snap you out of the fog.

And please, never apologize for being a downer or for not doing enough. We are just part of your support network and we don't want any more than you are able to give. Good or bad.

A quick blog entry gives us peace of mind but you're not obligated to pour your heart out. Just a quick hi lets us know you're still standing.

I'd still like to get over to Leesburg to see you!

Sherry said...

Kim..the song says it all! Hold each other close.Iam praying for you.Hugs to you all.Sherry

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