One Month In Heaven

I knew today would be rough, I really did but I NEVER figured it would be this bad.



I MISS YOU SO F*****G MUCH BABY!

Almost One Month

One month tomorrow. I already feel sick. Wish I could just stay in bed all day. But, I promised the boys they could try out for basketball in Tavares. Forced to be a Momma, maybe that's a good thing.

Old pics {some really old!} that make me smile...













He's so beautiful, so perfect, so incredibly handsome...



And more recent ones that make me cry...

My Vinny, he is in that cherrywood box right next to my bed, it's all I have left.



The most worst kind of hurt in the world that I have experienced...



Please pray that I find the willpower and energy to get on here tomorrow.

Kody's Day

I can't believe in the midst of everything, I almost forgot about our Bear.
On January 8th, we celebrated his 9th year of kicking cancers ass. :0)

We had some ice cream that afternoon on the way to pick up a small cake...



Bless his heart, Kolin tried to be the best cake decorator he could. Somehow cake deco probably won't be in his future. lol.



Our two beautiful boys, happy 9 years Bear...



This was taken the same weekend, we had gotten out and took a nice long walk. Well, OK..I walked, Kody ran and Kolin biked it.



Life continues on, but will never be the same.
Grieving and the feeling of loneliness and hopelessness is still there, every day, it just doesn't take a break, ever.
Today I put on make up. baby steps, I know. It'll most likely be cried off by lunchtime but hey, I gave it a shot, right?
I heard him call my name very early two mornings ago. I was clearly woken up by the sound of his voice saying only "Kimberley". I wish I could have heard more, it was beautiful hearing that again.

I decided not to take the meds the Dr. prescribed {with of course the exception of antibiotics to knock the bronchitis down}. They made me sleep all of the time and when I was awake I was more like a zombie then anything. I have to be alert for the boys, so it's just not worth it to me.

I still for the life of me cannot accept that Vinny is no longer a living, breathing part of my life. Why is it I still look out the window and expect him to pull up or look out on the porch and see him sitting in his chair. Why can't I get it through my thick head he is not coming back, not ever.
I still sleep with his dirty hoodie every night. I hope that thing never loses it's scent, it was so much like him everyday when he'd come home. Smelled just like he'd been working his ass off outdoors all day long. I remember hugging him every day when he'd walk in the door, and thinking "Damn I need to wash that thing". Now all I can think of is "Damn I hope that thing never loses his scent".
Crazy, huh?

That's about it today, sorry I wish I could do more.

Everyday is Still a Nightmare

Waking up is a chore, trying to care for two boys is not easy. Seems they care for me more then I do for them.
But, we are surviving which is in no way even close to living.

I am really going to try and put a conscious effort into not being so depressing on here.
Although I did manage to drag myself to the Dr's yesterday. Three things I now need to be treated for are...
Bronchitis, dehydration and depression.
Depression? Hmmmmm, that's a new one, never been there before.
He did prescribe some med's, {antibiotics, Xanax & Paxal {not sure if I spelled these right} so far I see no difference and I told him {the Dr.} I am nowhere ready to stop grieving. The pain is OK, I still need to feel it. I just want to be able to break down this wall I have built around me and become a Mom again.
I have 6 amazing kids and 2 boys that need me very badly.
I wake up every morning for them.
I smile for them.
I listen to their Dad stories for them.
I hug them.
I worry about them.
I love them, love that only a Mom can feel for their child.
I still love my Vinny, I will ALWAYS love him. In only a way wife a wife/best friend/and lover can feel.
When he left, he took a part of my heart and my soul with him.
I dream of the day our hearts and souls can be reunited again.

"Living in a world so cold, wasting away. Living in a shell with no soul since you've gone away. Living in a world so cold counting the days since you've gone away from me. I feel like I'm losing my mind."
**Three Days Grace**

Hope Street

As I mentioned yesterday {I did, right?} I dropped the boys off at school and took a nice long walk, on a gray day, before it started raining at a park Vinny and I used to frequent quite a bit back in the day when we were desperately fighting to keep our marraige together.
I had to go there for some reason, I don't know why but it is where I needed to be, alone in my thoughts.

In this park there is a man made pond and a fountain in the middle. If anyone knows Leesburg, you'll all know this as "Fountain Park" and it is located right next to The City Of Leesburg office.
There are really only palm trees and elm trees and while I was walking my four laps {which equals a mile}, in one certain spot I kept smelling the scent of a pine tree, much like a fresh Christmas tree.
Totally weird cuz, well I didn't think elms and palms could smell like pine.
Totally crazy cuz Vinny loved the scent of pine, he'd always put those God awful pine scented air fresheners in his car and I...HATED....IT!! BLEECH!!!!!

OK, so I keep walking and what do I see on the ground but, please don't laugh...
White dog shit.
I know, I know, you all think I have completely lost it. I promise I haven't yet.
One of our favorite movies was "Step Brothers" with Will Farrel. OMG we would watch that movie all of the time and laugh so much.
I remember one day, this past November when Vinny bought the boys sling shots. and would bring them to his job where he set up targets in an empty part of the lot and let them have at it.
The boys were sooo happy and I can still remember the sound of Vinny's laugh when Kolin said something to the effect of...
"Thanks Dad it's about time you got us something cool!!!!"
Anyway, the white dog shit had something to do with the movie too and damn did I get a laugh when I saw that. I mean after all, I was of course asking, pleading and looking for a sign from him letting me know he was there. WDS? The man had a sense of humor like no other.
I pulled out my phone and snapped a picture and then sent it off to our kids who "got it" and thought it was hysterical too.

After my one mile, it was started to rain so I left to get to the post office so I could mail out a package to Karl's family in NY. I decided for some crazy reason {and I am NOT adventurous so this was weird} to drive down a road I had never in 12 years of living here been down before. I was just looking for a quick short cut way to the post office cuz I really didn't want to be out in public anymore.
That's when I looked up and as if put there by my beautiful Angel, a sign letting me know he is with me and has never left.



"HOPE", my favorite word in the world and he knows it. I can't even begin to tell you how many things I have collected through the years with the word "Hope" on it. In fact, Vinny bought me my ornament for this year, a simple while ceramic tile with the word "Hope" on it. I had it hung in his casket next to his ornament we got for him.
He knew, without a doubt this would get my attention and it did.

I honestly have to say though that I didn't feel his presence the rest of the day and to add to the gray rainy day, after getting Kolin from school and running into Publix to pick up Kody's medicines and two bags of groceries, I went back out to the jeep and found it to be dead. The ignition key went in but didn't budge. I tried everything I could think of but finally called our auto ins. and got towed.
I am NOT looking forward to that pricey phone call today but I got to have a vehicle so what can I do?

I am going to admit something here...I came home and yelled at Vinny, I gave him hell. He would have rescued us, he would have fixed that problem, he would have done it all. I'd have never been sitting in a two truck with our kid and two bags of groceries.
I'd have a working jeep sitting in the driveway this morning. I'd have two kids in school. I'd have not had a car repair bill to look forward to. I'd have not had to call a friend and ask for her husband to drop everything and come bring us home.
Yes, I bitched at my man like he has never heard me bitch before.
"Glad your living life in your F*****G paradise dude while the rest of us are stuck here in this HELL!!"

Then I went and warmed up some leftover soup from the night before, folded some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and around 9:30 finally parked myself on the couch to read a book on loan from my best friend in Florida, Karrie.
That one book has opened up my eyes like nothing has. It was exactly what I needed at that very moment.
I realize that all these feelings I have are not me going crazy but a completely normal part of grieving.
I am actually not the only one going through this, although it sure does feel like it's me against the world.

I did apologize before I went to bed last night and I am sure he heard me, I hope so anyway cuz I do feel really bad for yelling so much.

This morning I'll wait for that call from the car place and drink lots of tea cuz as if I needed anything else right now, I woke up sick as a dawg.
Apparently grieving hard will eventually wear the body down bad. I am feeling it today. :(

Thirty One Years

Thirty one years ago I met my beautiful husband in a cafeteria of my high school.
We should have been spending this day together. The kids are all in school, Monday's was his day off.
We should have been together.

Instead I took a walk by myself in a park we walked so many times, holding hands, sharing thoughts, getting our shit together, making our relationship the perfectness it was.
Nobodies hand to hold today, just a brain full of memories and a few "signs" he was with me.
Although, I wish he was more with Kody today. Kody needs him bad, very bad.

These were taken at a rest stop on our way to Cape Coral on Mom's Day, 2009.
Always the goof, I swear, not to mention how he could rock a tank top. *sigh*.



This was his all time favorite picture. It took a day on teh beach, just the two of us, a tripod, a camera remote, a sunset and a giggly wife to get this one picture.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times he'd smile and say "quit laughing and look at me" :0)



This will forever be my favorite picture of the two of us. We were just goofing around trying to take a selfie with that huge heavy camera. At the last second he gave me that kiss. I have loved this picture since the first time I saw it.
If I stare at it I can still feel the "love". That kiss and the way he closed his eyes. I crave the feeling of that one moment.



It's amazing how one quick photograph can change a life.

It's raining and gray out today, matches my mood for sure.
I feel dead on the inside. The sadness is so much more then I can handle.
Something is wrong inside, I can feel it, I know the signs. I called my Dr. this morning, just waiting for a call back.
I need help and I guess I am just to stubborn a/k/a hardheaded {My Vinny's word for me} to ask.

***I love you Baby and God I miss you SO MUCH! How I wish we could have spent this day together, doing something or doing nothing. Listening to the rain, drinking coffee. As long as we were together and we would have been had you of not been stolen from us.***

Adriana's Update

SHE IS BACK HOME!!!!!!

The Dr's have determined she had a sleep apnea episode. She is now back on her monitor when she is sleeping or going on a long car ride.
Also, her Momma and Dad had to retake a CPR course before they were allowed to leave last night.
It was a very long, stressful and tiring 24 plus hours but it is over and we made it through another hurdle.

Now, I don't know what most people think about the "afterlife", and I am sure there are a lot of different opinions and many may not agree and that is fine. However, because it gave us some comfort, we like to believe that Kayara was purposely woken up by someone at 4 o'clock that morning, out of a sound sleep and nudged to in and check on Adri.
Had she not have gotten up to check on her, we 100% certainly would have lost Adriana that night as she had literally just stopped breathing {not sure how long but it was long enough to leave her unresponsive}.
Who do you think was there at 4 that morning? We believe her Daddy/Grammpa was.

We also like to believe he was with KK {sending her music} the night before when she broke down hard and at that Jets game tossing that ball himself through the goalpost in the last 3 seconds winning that playoff game by 1 point. :0)

That man had a VERY busy weekend. LOL.

These were taken August of 2009. Adriana had just tuned 2 years old.





The boys and I will be spending a low key kind of day at home today. We might go out for a walk/bike ride. We'll probably play a couple of games of Yatzee {OMG I do NOT like board games but Kolin does, he gets that from his Dad} and I am throwing myself into knitting me up another sweater. I am trying to keep my mind busy. So far I had to rip it out once...and I just started last night. By the time I finish it it will most likely be summer. lol.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers.

I was asked to leave my PayPal address by a couple of people so here goes.

vivalamom@comcast.net

TTYL!!!!!

PLEASE Pray For Adriana

***edit to say Adriana is improving a little bit. The Dr's feel it is her sleep apnea back again. She is not yet fully alert and she will have to stay on her apnea monitor all the time while she is sleeping. More later. Very sad day today, I just can't shake the feeling of despair and hurt. It is more then anyone should ever have to endure***

This black cloud still follows us around, life is officially now considered torture.



Adriana, our beautiful 3 year old granddaughter had been fighting an ear infection since the day after they went back home to Cape Coral.
Her second ear got infected yesterday and after another trip to the pediatrician, she was put on a different medicine, one she'd never been on.

Around 4 AM, yesterday morning Kayara woke up to check on her and found her "unresponsive" {that's what the EMS stated}. She was rushed to the hospital, had a bunch of tests done including a spinal tap for meningitis and then was transferred to a different hospital that has a ped's unit.

She is still in an extremely heavy sleep, with a high fever and is on a monitor for her breathing, which has been going off a lot, maybe 6-8 times an hour. Many of you may remember she had sleep apnea as a baby.
The doctors are trying to determine if the sleep apnea is rearing it's ugly head again or if she had an allergic reaction to the new medicine which we found out last night, does have penicillin in it.

Please, please, if you all can do anything for us today, please start some heavy duty prayers for Adriana {also known as Grammpa's "Firecracker"}.

Thank you everyone.

***Vinny, you stay with Adriana and Kayara, they need you the most right now. I know you have been there for whoever has needed you the most at the time and right now it is their time. The boys and I will be OK today, we have each other we will make it through the day {but just barely}. Whatever you have to do, you do it to make sure Adriana goes home with her Mommy & Daddy healthy and happy. I love and miss you so much my beautiful Angel. Thank you for sending that pretty red cardinal the other day, I saw it up there in that tree. I couldn't possibly have missed that bright red on such a gray day.***

Memories

Our address:

Kim, Kody & Kolin Kruppenbacher
30914 Sealine Drive
Leesburg, FL 34748

I'm sorry for not getting on here much, we've been having horrible, bad days. There is so much sadness and the world still seems so gray.
Thank you everyone for your kind words, they help us so much you have no idea.

I lay in bed, mostly at night when the craziness of the day has ended, I think about the times we had, the memories that will remain in my heart forever.

This day in Cape Coral was truly one of our favorites. It was Mothers Day, 2009 and we went south to see Kayara, Arthur and Adriana. That was the day Kody got his voice back, it was also the day we slipped away for a few hours to ourselves.
Spending time together doing anything or just doing nothing, he made it always so beautiful for me.



I miss him so much, there are just no words to describe the pain and emptiness in my heart, in my soul.

One Breath At A Time

I am still here, just not "there" yet, if you know what I mean.
The older kids have all gone home, it's just the 3 of us now.
Three of us? It's still so unreal.

I still see him {having many flashbacks} walking up the driveway.
Standing over his grill and much loved smoker.
Tending to his plants.
Sitting at the dinner table directly on the other side of me, we did this so we could look at each other.
Saying to me {in his best Italian accent} when dinner was over and he was stuffed, "Izzy you make my mouth so happy"
lol, the man had no Italian in him whatsoever, but you'd never know.
Playing "Amazing Adventures Around The World" on his old dinosaur of a computer that he refused to replace because he said it "still worked".
Walking in thru the kitchen/garage door with his lunch bag and whatever gifts he brought me that day. He always knew what I loved, and would surprise me all the time with little trinkets, trinkets I now hold so close, trinkets I treat as gently as a newborn baby.
Throwing the football in the backyard with the boys.
Sitting out in the screened in porch on "his chair", either reading or staring back into the house at the people he loved most.
Walking thru the mall, hand in hand.
Going grocery shopping, yes odd as it may seem, we shopped together a lot, any excuse to spend time together, on the weekends we'd drag the kids with us to Sam's Club and any place else we needed to be.
Sitting on the couch at night next to me at night, after he went in and said his good-nights and kissed the boys. He'd always around 9:30 say "Izzy I'm going to bed, you coming with me?" No matter what I was doing, I always did, we loved our cuddle time.

What I will always miss most.
Our nighttime ritual.
We'd watch a little TV {usually the Discovery Channel} and he would always set the sleep timer. right before we were about to nod off, he would say to me "Always kiss me good-night" and we did, every single night without fail, no matter what.
He once bought me a beautiful sign that he hung in our bedroom {he got it from target} that says on it simply "Always Kiss Me Good-Night".
Then we would get close side by side his arm protectively around me and that is how we would fall asleep every single damn night. We couldn't fall asleep any other way.
Often, when he would fall asleep first, I'd turn around one last time for the night and stare at him, to take in his beauty, every tiny feature, everything about him.
There were many times when I caught him doing the same to me, although he thought I was sleeping.

I can't sleep any other way. Sleeping pills and coffee are now my main source of anything. I know he's be pissed but I can't help it.
I'm living in hell right now and I can't find my way out. I want to be with him so badly but I know he wants me to stay put and raise those boys to be men, to enjoy all the things he will miss.
I know in my heart when my times comes, we will be together for all of eternity.
Until then, the pain that tears thru my heart, my soul, my whole body is still there, everyday, 24/7.

As I mentioned {I think I mentioned}, My Vinny was cremated and oddly enough his remains look like beach sand with tiny bits of crushed sea shells scattered in it. I was able to bring him home a couple of days ago and he is now on my night table, by my side again. Nobody can take that from me, ever.
I just wish with all my heart and all my soul that instead of kissing a cherry wood box at night, that I was kissing his beautiful perfect lips instead.

The kids and I had this flower arrangement placed on his casket, he loved flowers, especially the tropical kind and we all now he really loved his Jets.
I think he would have loved it.



Please pray for us, that we get thru each day, that the tears still come but not as often, that we can one day smile again, that he can still feel the love we have for him, that we don't lose this house {there are so many beautiful memories of him here, I couldn't even begin to tell you how many}, that I alone can somehow provide for the boys, that they become the men their Dad wanted them to grow up to be, that I don't lose my mind, and that we can get thru another day...

One Breath at a Time.