I know I haven't posted a lot this past year on things that are very, very personal.
This past year has been a doozer baby, ups, downs, inclines, complete crashes, big ups, stumbles and falls.
Last winter Karlio and I went through what would be probably the worst time of our married life.
One day in particular will always stand out in both our minds, and that would be the day I threw my weddings rings hard in his face, screamed that
"it was f'in over", and proceeded to have divorce papers drawn up the next day.
That day was last February, February 19th to be exact.
Know how I know?
Well, it was that day I told him I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then to live with an alcoholic. I then kicked him out of our home.
No, I didn't help him pack, I didn't care where he went, as long as he was not near me and our kids.
I was pissed, heartbroken, confused, hurt and so angry that a stinkin' bottle of beer was far more important to him then his family.
He did leave that day. He cried and surprisingly enough, I cried even harder. To this day I don't know why...maybe because I realized that this was the day that was officially the death of our marraige.
I never told anybody about this, although a few people figured it out when I set my Facebook relationship status as
"It's Complicated".
As far as all others, life was still a bowl of cherries.
That same night, after pleading with him for weeks, and hinting constantly that our marraige was in trouble, I asked him again to go find an AA meeting.
I never thought he would, but surprisingly enough, when you get to the very bottom of your life and there is honestly no place to go but maybe to an early grave, he went.
He went, crying like a baby, and found a man named Jim. I have never met him, but I will one day. I would love to thank him personally for saving Karlio, and saving our family.
Jim took Karl under his wing like they were best buds their whole life.
Now, I'd like to say all things went super great after that, but fairy tale endings don't exist here, not yet anyway.
Eventually I let him move back in since money was so tight. The kids missed him terribly, I still didn't.
I couldn't bring my self to admit that I still loved this man with all my heart. I believed that he went to AA to please me, to tide me over until he could mess up again.
I believed he did it to shut me up basically.
WOW...was I ever wrong!
Not only did he stick with it and go everyday, but he read from his book everyday. He prayed...yea, he PRAYED everyday, several times a day, can you believe it?
He made amends with the people who he had hurt the most, his children and me. The kids were easy, I was till being a super bitch hard ass. Yes..I'll admit it.
He would tell me all about
"the promises".
The what? OK, yeah..promises, promises that we would be so very blessed if he continued to stay sober. As if I believed that, right?
LOL...wrong again, that was my bad.
Everyday I saw changes, small ones. A lot of time though I saw a man who was now sober and had no clue how to be. I hear it's part of the process.
He became clingy and controlling, not in a mean way but more like a stalker who swore if I ran down the the store for milk, that I was off cheating on him.
That drove me insane. I remember one day getting into a screaming match with him about that, after being accused for like the hundredth time and telling him to
"just go freakin' have another beer".
I have to admit, and even he doesn't know this, that part of me wanted him to start drinking again so that I could leave him, without any regrets, that way I could keep my heart from getting broken all over again.
But, he stood his ground and said to me
"I am the only one that can make me stop drinking again, not you, not anybody and I WON'T DO IT".
Right then I had a very good feeling I had finally met my match.
OK, I told him....prove to me that you can change and I will hold up on the divorce.This was at the end of February and I gave him the beginning of April as a deadline, my decision as to whether I wanted a divorce or not. Either way, whether he stayed sober or not..it was my decision.
We shook hands on it. There was no kissy stuff going on back then...lol!
I remember going to work everyday, I hated my job. It would have been OK if my boss wasn't such a sleaze, but I figured, it's getting us by I have to do what I have to do.
I hardly ever saw the kids. Coming home was so stressful, the kids would go to bed and I would retreat to my bedroom...only to be followed like a puppy by Karl, who would not let up on forgiving him.
I would boot him out and have him sleep on the couch.
He wrote me letters, he bought me flowers, he played my love songs, he did everything right...but I just could not budge, like I said, the heartbreak was bad and I felt if I kept ignoring him it would eventually go away.
One day, at the end of March I was sitting at my desk at work, trying so hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing when I got an IM from him on my Facebook.
He had "real important news and wanted to share it with me over the phone, could I talk?"Yea I said...
I guess so.
The good news was that he was just hired moments ago by a huge local construction company. He would have his own office, his own shop and he would alone oversee a ton of Mack dump trucks and a few semi's, and had overtime every week. Even better, his salary was to more then double!!
Yeah, you could say I was pretty shocked.
These promises he kept talking about, maybe they are real?
Anyway, he went to work everyday and man he LOVED it!! He was like a little kid playing in the sandbox only now his trucks were life size. He was so proud and even now, his boss and all his drivers love him.
OK..so things started to roll along and about a week later I was sitting at my desk in tears cuz of something that had happened at work that day and when I left for lunch, I never did go back. I knew I could find something else, but Karl..well, he had other plans. He wanted Mama back with her babies while they were still in school. He wanted to put our marraige back together, he wanted to prove that he meant business.
It was around this time that we started going to the beach a lot. It was our way of "getting away".
I have to admit, it was awkward at first because in all our years together, he has never once wanted to go to a beach or do anything as a family, Lord only knows it would have taken him away from football/NASCAR Sunday, and of course the fridge full of beer.
At first we would pretty much ignore each other, each taking walks alone, barely speaking.
Then one day we walked together, one day we actually held hands, one day we jumped off the dock leading out to the ocean, into some woods and made out like two 17 year olds.
We learned how to have fun again and we learned to love again...that is what all those spring and summer beach trips did for us.
Soon after even better things started happening.
Our kids were so happy, more happy then they had ever been, they were finally not afraid to talk to their Dad. They saw their parents laughing instead of fighting. It was great. :0)
On April 11th 2009, Karl's birthday, we all went out to dinner...our favorite Chinese buffet place and we really had a great time.
I caught myself taking about maybe one day renewing our vows. Of course, you know he loved that idea.
April 19th, 2009...our 29th wedding anniversary.
He played our wedding song set to a whole bunch of cute clip arts and I have to say, that did it for me..I couldn't take it anymore, I really did love this crazy man.
He begged me to go out to dinner with him and we did. When we came home I told him to go outside and start a small fire, not to question...just trust me.
He did and I went outside, holding his
"gift". It was our divorce papers, I told him to go ahead and toss them in the fire, we wouldn't be needing them after all.
I think he was a little surprised, but I told him
"If God can trust you to do the right thing and give you this awesome job, then who am I not to trust you as well?"And just like that, the papers went up in flames while we both watched silently, holding hands and knowing without a doubt, this was a new start.
Now, I be lying if I said everything has been awesome, there have been some crazy days but 95% of them have been wonderful.
Those
"promises" I mentioned?
They do exist.
We have a new home, a new car, we can finally live life without worrying everyday about the next dollar.
I have been spoiled tremendously this past year. *wink*
He is well liked and respected at his job and community.
Material things are not all we have, we have the gift of a brand spanking new marraige, a new spiritual devotion towards each other.
We have fun where we once had boredom.
Laughter now lives where the tears used to.
We are family once again.
This February 20th {he had to work late on the 19th} we celebrated, as a family, Karl's one year sober anniversary. The three kids and I went with him to his AA meeting and watched as he told his story and got up to receive his
"one year gold coin".I couldn't but laugh a little when I saw him giving advice to others.
"Don't Drink. Go To Meetings".When we came home we had that big ole Italian feast I told you I was making {homemade sauce, meatballs, ziti}. And for dessert, a little something made by Kaysha, a carrot cake {his fave} with cream cheese frosting.
The extreme amounts of sprinkles were my idea cuz I thought it would look awesome as a photo. LOL!
Congratulations Daddy-O, you did it like you said you would and we are all very proud of you.
PS. Thanks for hanging the rest of those pictures in the kitchen today. :0)
Love,
Kim and the Mini K's
