Saturday, October 8, 2011

What a Rainy Weekend

And a great day for football, cuz at the very least...it may have been pouring rain and wind this morning at Kolin's game...it wasn't snow. :)

His team, the Leesburg Jr. Jackets {Pop Warner Midgets} won 19-12 and I think we are down to our last two games before playoffs...which is looking pretty good we'll be going to.

It's soon going on one year since I lost my beautiful, loved and very much missed Vinny. I still write him love letters and talk to him all the time as if he's standing right next to me. I kiss the box of his ashes good morning and good night every day. I still sleep with the stuffed snowman he won me from a Walmart toy crane machine just a week before he died.
I wish he'd give me some advice as to what the future holds.
He's my Soulmate and I know this, I know it with all my heart...but, and here it comes, finally...

Was I meant to be alone forever, to always be known as "the widow"? God, I loathe that word.
How do I ever give my heart to someone else and the most important question of all, what will my children think?
Right now they are pit bulls...chasing away anyone that remotely looks in my direction lol.
Some days I find it amusing, some days I want to tell them to stop, I mean...someone is looking at me...me?? Or maybe they're looking at the chick behind me and I'm just wishful thinking.

Most days I'm still trying to figure out the balance between grieving for a man I loved with all my heart and soul and secretly wanting that feeling of being loved and loving someone again...it almost feels like some kind of dirty little secret, you know?

In the meantime, on days when I don't want to be bothered with all that drama...I just wear this...

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It totally keeps the unwanted far, far away. :)

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6 comments:

Amy K said...

You'll know when the time is right. And, anyone who loves you isn't going to judge; they're going to support you wholeheartedly, because you & Vinny will always be a part of each other - that will never change no matter where life takes you. And, never forget, you deserve every ounce of happiness you can find!
HUGS to you, as I know this must be bittersweet for you!

Anonymous said...

There is no rule that says you have to spend the rest of your life alone. You are the only one who can make that decision. Just be sure you are ready.

Tonya Cotton :o) said...

Kim, God said, " It is not good for man to be alone, so He created a woman for him". So, that is so natural to want that. Just make sure your ready. You are so young and girl "smokin hot". Fact is, your kids will all grow up, move out ,get married, start a family etc. Ya know. Giving your heart to another does not in any way mean you have taken away from your forever Vinny! * put it this way, your heart was big enough to give love to each of your kidos! You go for it when the time is right !

Stacy said...

I remember hearing once (don't know where) that widows/widowers that had good marriages tend to find love again sooner than those who did not have such good marriages. The explanation was that they knew how good it is and wanted that back. It really is a compliment to Karl that you believe so strongly in love and that he showed you how great it can be, and you want that back. So many people are hurt and damaged by love/marriage that they shy away and are afraid and in the end don't know how wonderful it can be. That wonderful gift of love/marriage is something Karl left for you.
The boys on the other hand are going to be tough, they are just doing what their Daddy taught them and protecting their Mom.

Kendall said...

Loving is part of living and you're still alive.

Your kids don't have to like it but they do have to accept the fact that you're young and have a lot of living left to do- and you have every right to expect them to respect your choices in the future.

Get to living! I look forward to your closing the book on this sad chapter of grieving. Anyone who knows you knows that you loved Karl completely and would give anything to have him back. Moving forward does not dishonor that love. Instead it demonstrates how much you loved being loved. Nobody will ever take his place but if your heart is big enough for six children, there is room enough for another special someone.

Can't wait to read the next chapter, Kim.

JustJn said...

After my mom died, I was talking to my stepdad and he mentioned dating. I told him I want him to be happy and no one expects him to be alone forever. You may be a widow, but you deserve to be happy and love again. I don't think Vinny would want you to be alone. I have 5 boys, a few are around Kody and Kolin's age,I can only imagine how they would be if I were dating. But, I bet they want you to be happy too. Have you tried bringing up the subject to them? Maybe give them something to think about.

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