Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Can't Do This Anymore....

Why is it always so much easier to fake a smile then hide a tear.
I can't do this anymore, faking's not me.
I am so sad, I can't stop thinking about him, I want him back so bad. He's all I will ever want, my beautiful, perfect husband.

I want to be alone, I need to be alone. I'm not good company, I'm really not.

I've decided that I need to get away for a little while, just a little while.
I really have nowhere to go, so I was thinking maybe just pack up the boys and surprise them with a trip to see Kyle. I think they would love that, I know Kyle would..I haven't seen him in almost 4 years.
I just have to face my fears, set that GPS and go for it. Vinny would be proud. :)

Behind this face is a woman who is hurting so deeply, I can't even describe the pain anymore.


That is his actual handwriting, a heart he made in the sand a couple summers ago. I am so happy I had the camera with me and snapped a quick picture. Anyway, my friend Ande, who is talented beyond belief, made my vision come alive...his actual handwriting forever embedded on me.
The beach scene at sunset was our favorite place to be and our favorite time to be there.
The purple orchid represents me, the yellow on in the sky is him and the 6 off to the side our for the kids, three pinks for the girls, three blues for the boys.
"Life is Beautiful" his favorite thing to say and the song a couple months prior that he would listen to and insist when he died he wanted it played at his funeral.
How could he have ever known?

This tattoo is our family, our beautiful, broken family.



Cheyenne said...

Kim, we are all hurting for you, you're not alone. I know there isn't much comfort in that because of the miles between us, but right now after reading this post I just want to go to a corner and bawl my eyes out.

Donna said...

So very sorry that you have to travel this road. The weight of the next few months must seem overwhelming. But you have made it this far, even with the pain, and even when you don't FEEL strong enough, Karl will make sure you have enough in you to make it through. The kids will lean on you, and you will have to lean on them sometimes. Their love alone must be enough to keep 100 people alive! Allow yourself to be swallowed by the waves every now and then, always knowing that Karl is the breath in your lungs that will bring you back to the surface. Every time.

Meredith said...

Oh Kim, I don't know how you do it. I have no clue how I would do it. Just know that there are people that you don't even know praying for you.

Amy K said...

My heart aches for you. I can literally feel your pain in your words. However, I'm not going to pretend that I understand your pain or what you're going through. Just know, you're not alone! You have so many loving, supportive people in your life and those of us in bloggy-land.
Give yourself permission to feel what you don't have to pretend for anyone! One thing I've always admired about you, and kept me coming back to read, you keep it matter what.
We're all here for you. Please keep reaching out.

Lisa Burt said...

Oh Kim, my heart is breaking for you. Is your sparkly gmail address still current? I'd like to email you.
Big Hugs

Kim said... or It may take a day or three for me to check, I'm not on the computer too much anymore :(

tricia said...

grief has such unexpected twists and turns. i'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now.

Anonymous said...

Maybe that trip to see your son Kyle is long overdue. Give you something to focus on and help you put things in perspective. Its good being a Mom no matter how old they are. I am sure that Vinny would have wanted you to stay strong not just for them but for yourself and some how find the day that you are ready to move foward.

Stephanie Moore said...

Grief is a hard job. Having been married for 23 years myself my heart aches for you. I wish I had some words but there are none. Just know I am keeping you in my heart and prayers. I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this...


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