Happy Halloween Boo!!

From...
~*~Michael Myers in Halloween~*~

Happy Halloween to everyone! We keeping it low key, the boys are getting to old anyway...I bought them a few huge bags of candy, that's all they really wanted, they're teenagers. :)

My grandbaby/Grandsnakebabies is another story.

Here's a few of Adri I took of her last week in her "Punk Rock Witch" outfit...









And some of KK's "babies"...







The last picture of the two snakes, were born on my birthday...so that's makes them a month old. They have two different personalities..one being very laid back and quiet, the other being hyper and all over the place. :)

Have a great Halloween and be careful out the tonight!!

Not A Day Goes By....

That I don't think of you Baby.

LMFAO

OMG I love this!!!



Today just might be a good day. :)

Ten Months

Days like today makes me realize again of how fragile and precious life really is...and of how quickly it can be taken away.
Ten months today :(

To My Sweetheart...

When I close my eyes, I see you. when I dream, I dream of you. When I think, I think of you. I miss you more than you would ever know.
Ten months today you left me...still confused, broken and in desperate need of your hug...the kind that came at the end of the day, when we'd been apart for too many hours and it seems liked eternity.
Now I really do know what eternity is. It may be your paradise, but it feels like my hell.
I love you Vinny, that love will never stop and I miss you more then words typed into a computer could ever show. ♥ ♥ ♥



Always and Forever...
Your Izzy

Today I feel like the half of my soul that he didn't take with him is painfully searching to get the half he took, back again.

I Can't Do This Anymore....

Why is it always so much easier to fake a smile then hide a tear.
I can't do this anymore, faking happiness...it's not me.
I am so sad, I can't stop thinking about him, I want him back so bad. He's all I will ever want, my beautiful, perfect husband.

I want to be alone, I need to be alone. I'm not good company, I'm really not.

I've decided that I need to get away for a little while, just a little while.
I really have nowhere to go, so I was thinking maybe just pack up the boys and surprise them with a trip to see Kyle. I think they would love that, I know Kyle would..I haven't seen him in almost 4 years.
I just have to face my fears, set that GPS and go for it. Vinny would be proud. :)

Behind this face is a woman who is hurting so deeply, I can't even describe the pain anymore.



That is his actual handwriting, a heart he made in the sand a couple summers ago. I am so happy I had the camera with me and snapped a quick picture. Anyway, my friend Ande, who is talented beyond belief, made my vision come alive...his actual handwriting forever embedded on me.
The beach scene at sunset was our favorite place to be and our favorite time to be there.
The purple orchid represents me, the yellow on in the sky is him and the 6 off to the side our for the kids, three pinks for the girls, three blues for the boys.
"Life is Beautiful" his favorite thing to say and the song a couple months prior that he would listen to and insist when he died he wanted it played at his funeral.
How could he have ever known?

This tattoo is our family, our beautiful, broken family.

Heaven

This weekend I felt the strong need or a pull to get up early, make some coffee, grab the camera and head out while the boys were still asleep to watch the sunrise over Lake Harris.
I needed to be alone, with my thoughts, with my music and with my God.
The "Big Man" and I needed to talk. I needed some V-Man time too. There were a few things I just can't agree with. I think we all know what they are.
No sooner did I tell them to tighten up, our wedding song came on my phone's mp3.
I guess I might have got my point across. :)

Anyway, the sunrise over Lake Harris...



I'd love to get that book started, does anybody have any idea who I contact, where to start, what to do. I'm lost...and this book has been a calling for sometime now, even before he left.
His death would complete "A Perfect Chapter Laid To Rest".

Have a great day everyone!!

PS. Kolin won this weekends game 33-0, they are in the playoffs...which starts tomorrow night, weather permitting, we are supposed to have some bad storms starting tonight and into tomorrow. Lots of tornado activity is predicted. :(

So Mad, So Frustrated, So Tired Of Kids BS

Kody's first day back at school and he was up, ready and so happy to go back and then...

"To all the haters at LHS, my son is NOT a freak, it's a scar and he earned it by having three surgeries in a week and a half...keep laughing cuz he was raised by the best and if you turn out to be a fraction of the man he is now it will be a damn miracle. Remember what goes around comes around. You don't have to call him "Sir" but you can call him "SIR-VIVIOR"!"

Don't mess with a Momma Bear's cubs, ever. :(

From The Past

I've been struggling again lately, it seems like here we go again...grief, grief, grief...I could write my own book on it.
On love, marraige, lots of kids, a sick kid, life, death, grieving.
Sometimes I wish I knew where to start cuz I would write one, I really would.

I dreamed of Karl, My Vinny two nights ago. In my dream we were back in NY on the streets of Lake Peekskill {where we moved from to move here}.
He was wearing his famous {UGH} work clothes again {LOL} but instead of running towards him I was running away from him. He kept chasing me down, smiling.
Why in the hell would I be running away from him. Stupid..so stupid and I was so mad at myself when I woke up.
A perfect chance to steal a hug, a kiss, anything and I ran away. Damn it.
Dreams don't come often, but when they do I like to think I had a good part in them. Not this time.

Anyway, this morning I was looking for an old picture of Kaysha. I have tons and tons of folders on this computer full of photos and one of them caught my eye.
A picture of me and kolin was in the front and I knew it wasn't the folder I wanted yet something {or someone} made me click on it and open it anyway.
WOW!!
It was like striking gold.
About six photos I had long forgotten about, till today when I had this huge wave of memories come splashing down on me.
Most of them were funny...us sticking our tongues out, hamming it up for self portrait we were trying to take that day a couple summers ago.

This is one of them
I have the look of "Wait..I'm trying to find the...hold on...oh damn where it it..stupid shutter button...SNAP...oops, there it is". I'm sure he was trying real hard not to LHFAO ;)...



How can one picture make me so happy and so sad at the same time.
Grieving is a sucky world my friends.

Baby Blanket

Knitting and photography, wow...I put it down for the longest time. I had such a hard time picking up and doing the things that I once enjoyed. I don't know why, but the guilt of being happy just tore me up.

Slowly though I am picking things up again, trying to get into that "zen" mode and it does help...especially at night, nights are always the worst.

I made this cute light aqua colored baby blanket...then gave it away.



It doesn't bother me at all to pour my heart into something and then give it away. For me, it just makes it so much more worth the hours spent when I can make someone else smile. You all make me smile so why not pay it forward?

This weekend I've been working on a cardigan style sweater...trendy, not oldish lol. The nights at Kolin's practice are getting chilly, I may just have to keep that one. :)

As for the future...I'm stuck in don't want to make any one mad land.
Not my kids, not my family, not even Karl's family.
Sometimes it's not all about me, you know?

Have a beautiful weekend everyone. Love to you all!!

What a Rainy Weekend

And a great day for football, cuz at the very least...it may have been pouring rain and wind this morning at Kolin's game...it wasn't snow. :)

His team, the Leesburg Jr. Jackets {Pop Warner Midgets} won 19-12 and I think we are down to our last two games before playoffs...which is looking pretty good we'll be going to.

It's soon going on one year since I lost my beautiful, loved and very much missed Vinny. I still write him love letters and talk to him all the time as if he's standing right next to me. I kiss the box of his ashes good morning and good night every day. I still sleep with the stuffed snowman he won me from a Walmart toy crane machine just a week before he died.
I wish he'd give me some advice as to what the future holds.
He's my Soulmate and I know this, I know it with all my heart...but, and here it comes, finally...

Was I meant to be alone forever, to always be known as "the widow"? God, I loathe that word.
How do I ever give my heart to someone else and the most important question of all, what will my children think?
Right now they are pit bulls...chasing away anyone that remotely looks in my direction lol.
Some days I find it amusing, some days I want to tell them to stop, I mean...someone is looking at me...me?? Or maybe they're looking at the chick behind me and I'm just wishful thinking.

Most days I'm still trying to figure out the balance between grieving for a man I loved with all my heart and soul and secretly wanting that feeling of being loved and loving someone again...it almost feels like some kind of dirty little secret, you know?

In the meantime, on days when I don't want to be bothered with all that drama...I just wear this...



It totally keeps the unwanted far, far away. :)

Still Here

It's been too long since I've checked in, we're still just adjusting to being home, catching up, Kody's stitches and staples needing attention, meds to take, Kolin's back in school this week so that means trips back and forth..oh and Adriana has been horribly sick.
Strep, ear infections, stomach virus. Because of her sleep apnea we've been having to keep her on her monitor...plus keep her far away from Kody.

Kody goes back to the Dr on Tuesday, so hopefully he'll be cleared to go back to school.

Well, I hate to run but I promised the boys I'd take them to the High School homecoming game tonight and it's getting late.

TTYLL!!

So Good To Be Home!

Kody is getting better and better every day and you have no idea how good it feels to be home!! :)



Go Jets!!!!!