A couple of weeks after Karl/Karlio/Vinny/My Angel left me I had gotten a sudden interest in reading. Now, don't get me wrong I love to read but finding the time to read, well that's another story.
Anyway, I started collected all the "widows guides/self help/what to expect the first year/etc" books I could get my hands on.
Barnes & Nobles on-line is getting pretty used to my every week shopping trips {can't beat a dollar for a book thou}.
A few of my favorites so far are called
"Widows Wear Stilettos", "Remembering With Love Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving" and "I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-Bye".All my books are good, some are great, just about all warn me about what to expect, things that will hit hard like anniversaries, b-days, dreams and such.
Nobody though warned me of the worst of the worst. The day that brought me back to the very first day. The day that was probably worse then the first day because I didn't have the luxury of being in shock, making me numb and pretty much unresponsive.
The day was this past Tuesday, "autopsy report day".
I was on the car rider pick up line at Kolin's school and I got the call that it was ready to be picked up at of all the places I never wanted to go to, the medical examiners office. So, I waited for Kolin to get out at 4 and we headed over before they were to close. I was handed a legal sized envelope with 4 or 5 papers stapled together in it and brought it home.
That's when I stupidly decided to open it and the tear dam burst open again with just the first page and I didn't even hardly get past his name right up on top front and center.
Thankfully, KK was here and she took the boys out of the house for an hour because, nothing...absolutely NOTHING and anyone could have warned me about my reaction which just for the record, was not good..not good at all.
While I won't go into details, mainly because it's too graphic and my kids read this blog I will say that #1 the funeral home did a damn great job covering up the damage that went from the top of his head down to his feet and #2 he did NOT die of anything medically wrong with him {heart attack/etc}.
What he did die of was...
Blunt force trauma due to an auto accident.
Once again confirming what in my heart, I already knew. THEY gave him a faulty truck with faulty power steering. It wasn't even his truck, it was on loan from another mechanic who was supposed to fix that power steering before he left for vacation and didn't. He had that truck ONE DAY, yea just one day.
I know in my heart that power steering went out causing him to lose control and veering into the other lane.
While I don't claim to know much about mechanical things, I am pretty sure that was the case.
Unfortunately in this state that truck was not under DOT regulations it cannot be investigated for 90 days. THEY have 90 days to do what they please with that truck and any evidence related to that truck.
Because Karl was covered under workers comp, there is not one damn thing I can do to see that justice is done for him.
Workers comp protects employers from law suits, even if a death has occurred.
Never will I ever believe that it was his time to go. Never. He was, with the exception of having asthma, healthy. It said so in the report.
The only things found in him were nicotine {cigs} and caffeine {coffee}, nothing else.
All we have left to keep him close to our hearts is the necklaces we had made up.
Lockets with some of his remains in it and his thumbprint engraved on the front and silver dog tags for the boys with his thumbprint in the front.
I also have a heart with his thumbprint on it and the words "Always in my Heart" engraved in the back. {no picture yet though, I haven't taken it off since I received it last week}.
I wish somebody or some book would have warned me about autopsy report day, it really was
that bad. :0(
