14 Months

Two days ago we hit the 14 months since he's been gone date.
It was one of those days, saw my red bird first thing in the morning driving Kolin to school, it flew right in front of my car...then again when I was out taking a walk, two of them actually the male and female chasing each other around a tree, it was really sweet...it always reminds me of how we used to be.

Anyway, that night I really wanted to just go to bed, it was late...well late for me, maybe about ten thirty, lol.
I wanted to get some pictures printed for Kyle and I decided to upload them to Walgreens before I turned in.
While I was waiting for the upload, I, without any reason at all {cuz we all know I get very caught up in it}, clicked over to Facebook. That's when I decided to get nosy and see what this whole "timeline" thing is about.
Some people hate it, others love it, personally I was one who really didn't care, but WOW...did my mind get changed.
I'm a FB Timeline lover now. :)

So here I was sitting in my room on the computer, in the dark, the whole house completely quiet and as always I am having my mind racing a hundred miles an hour with my Vinny thoughts.

This was literally my very first click on "timeline"...



If that wasn't a sign from my Vinny...what else possibly could be?

Madison Grace

It's official, we found out tonight...

Karyelle is having a girl!!



Our family grows by one again. :)

Happy V-Day

Very sorry that I am late in wishing everyone a Happy Valentines Day.
I hope you all had a beautiful one. :)



We definitely tried to make the best out of another holiday, not really a real holiday so it wasn't too bad.
My memories brought me back to Vinny, of course, and the way he would always say V-Day wasn't a real holiday and if he needed one day to prove his love for me, then he couldn't have loved me that much.
With that I'd always say "Sooooo, chocolate is out of the question?" and he would always say "No..go get yourself some the next day when it's half off".
LOL...silly little things like that make me laugh so much some days.

Kaysha moved back home for a while. The school she wants to go to is way closer, and it's actually really cool that I have a female around here all the time.
I love my boys but...WOW...they are boys.

Please pray, if you can for Bear.
He was recently admitted into the hospital again for shunt problems.
Lately he has found himself back into a depression, grieving is still weighing very heavy on him.
I'm taking him to see a new counselor tomorrow, he never really could bond with the first one. He's 16 and talking about puppies and rainbows and asking him to draw his feelings with a crayon just wasn't cutting it.

Anyway, he could really use some prayers, if you could. :)



Thank you. :)

Adriana, bless her heart...spends a lot of time here lately. I love having her around, it really helps take my mind off things.
Here's a recent picture of her, I'll put more up real soon.



Life continues to go on, as life does. The veil of grief hasn't lifted...not yet and that's OK by me.
I miss him more and more everyday.
I wish so bad to feel human again. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen?

Take care everyone.

XOXO

Taking Over

I really worry about Kolin. He is hell bent on making sure that I know it is his job and his job only to take over where his Dad left off. He tells me all the time, he is the man who Daddy left in charge. This kills me cuz there is so much stress and sadness sometimes and he shouldn't always have to hold it in just to make everyone feel better believing he is strong.
Just for the record...he breaks down quite often too, but he never realizes that I know.











Life goes on....
Though your miles away, and I miss you.

Peace.....

The Mustard Seed

“Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”.



The mustard seed necklace given to him represents, after a little over a year, that he has let God back into his heart and his life. Since then things for my boy have gotten much, much better. His anger and depression have since gone. He smiles, laughs and enjoys life {and girls!} just like any other teen.
Yes, the sadness still rears it's ugly head from time to time BUT he can finally open up and talk about his Dad without tears and hatred towards those he feels responsible.

He goes to teen youth groups, prays, has long talks with God, apologizes to Him all the time for his past behavior and ugly words, and I have to say, he's the new improved Bear and I am so, so proud of him.

I love You Bear!!!!!

32

Thirty Two Years...we would have been together that long today.
One crazy just by chance meeting in a High School cafeteria was all it took to start a love so strong even death couldn't take that away.

We always dreamed of growing old together, holding hands walking into restaurants, getting our senior citizen discounts. Still madly in love, even with the saggy baggy eye lids and the wrinkles and the gray hair...two crazy old people loving each other always.

Today, as busy as I was running errands...that man of mine let me know he was there.
Starting with me leaving the high school parking lot at seven this morning, the pick up truck in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Wife"...staring right at me. Almost as if it was supposed to be put right in front of me, so I could see it and smile.
I feel him right next to me during these times.
At least six times today when I got back in the car and turned on the radio...there it was, another song the two of us shared so many times throughout these years.
It was amazing, it really was.
Times like that I can only smile...smile and say "I love you too".

I hope he can still check in on the blog. He used to joke that the blog was the only way he had of knowing what was going on around here.
I hope he can Facebook too because there are still so many times I will pour my heart and soul out to that man.

I hope he can see what our new grandchild will look like, and I hope he can see the little spitfire this one still is....





She is just like her Grammpa as far as being a hell raiser {she really fits into our family!} and she takes after her Gramma for her love of all things homemade knitted, especially if they are purple. :)

Tonight, as to not break tradition...the boys and I will have dinner with candlelight. Never anything special...just chili dogs and a whole lot of love and memories of the most beautiful man ever.

I hope your reading this right now Vinzo...I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Kickin' Cancers Ass For TEN Years!!

Ten years ago today we looked into the tear filled eyes of the Dr., all of us stunned speechless as he handed Karl and I the results of Kody's very first Brain MRI at age 6 1/2.
None of us knew what the future held, grim...that's all that could be said.
"I will pray for your little boy" were the only words that Dr. could get out.

Ten years ago we were told our son would be with us about another year and his quality of life would be horrible as that tumor would quickly & painfully take over his brain before it stopped his heart forever.

Ten years ago who could have predicted this 16 year old would still be with us today, healthy, strong, funny, kind, loved and cherished.
His Daddy did...all those years ago, his Daddy stood strong and said to him "Kody, you remember where you came from, we are tough ass hell raising New Yorkers and we don't take shit from nobody, especially this tumor. You fight with all your might and I will fight right along with you."

Ten years ago I was the only one in this world who witnessed that man break down on his knees begging God to take him and not his precious little boy.

True to his word, he was with Bear every step of the way. Every appointment, every good day, every bad day, holding him up when he couldn't walk, feeding him when he couldn't hold a spoon, praying and even swearing to God over his boy's seizing nine year old body.
True to his word and his wishes, he left us first, so that when it is our time to pass, he will be the very first one we see, we hold, we walk with. Always the protector.

That's what Daddy's do, don't they?





Kody, You are my hero, my inspiration and my best friend.
Keep kickin' ass baby, we are ALL so proud of you!!!!!!
Love you forever, and ever and ever...Mom :)