Those are the days/nights I crave being alone, in my thoughts and memories.
So often I feel extreme guilt about loving another man and sadly I take it out on that other man an awful lot.
He drives a truck, so our time together isn't quite normal...10 to 34 hours here and there depending on his schedule is the best we get, but it's good...it's good because it allows me that time I still need.
There are some days when my world is so crazy, 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time to get everything done, those are the days I wish he had a normal day or night job...but, truck driving is in his blood, he's been driving for over 10 years and he comes from a long line of truck drivers.
It's what Michael loves, and I would never let the selfish side of me take over and demand he stops. No...never, in fact one day I hope to start going on some small trips with him.
One day...when my life is free of the drama that often comes with lots of kids, teenagers and grieving.
I love that he's patient, hard working, funny, gentle, kind to everyone, honest and true.
He see's the good side of everyone and everything...he see's the best and the worst of me and he tells me he loves it, everything about me...even when I don't.
He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and yeah...sometimes he makes me want to stomp off and scream. I guess that's normal, right?
What's probably not normal is looking at him across from the dinner table, or sitting on the couch watching TV and picturing Karl there instead. God, I have GOT to STOP doing this.
Is there anybody out there that can tell me this is normal or after 2 1/2 years I'm still qualifying myself to be a nutcase?
Anyway...being alone and numb at night, leads me into my own little comfort word of creating knitted stuff, crocheted stuff and cute shabby chic rag-tie banners that I love to use with backdrops.
Here's a few things from recently...
Wishing you all the best day ever and a Happy Belated Dad's Day to all...including the single Mom's who take on both worlds. :)
XOXO
Kim
5 comments:
For so very long I've said I need to walk away from this blog. I started, as many people have, following your family on CaringBridge (saying prayers for Kody). At this point all I see in you is 'me, me and more me' and you really cannot get past that. It makes no difference to me (I'm out here in the internet world looking in), but what is this doing to people around you? Could you be bringing the drama onto yourself by constantly dwelling on the past and, as you know, you cannot change the past. I have no magic 'parting words' just the hope that you start looking forward and see the people you have in your life who are good for you (and hopefully avoid those that are not).
Hi Kim,
I don't have any experience or any advice for you, but I am glad you have your new love, who also gives you space for your first love as well. He sounds wonderful and I know you know that.
Your grief is going to unfold as it will- it's not a right or wrong kind of thing, I wouldn't think.
Hugs to you-
Leeann
Hi Kim,
I love your work, especially the knitted cowboy boots. Adorable!
As far as the grieving process goes,whatever works for you is "normal". Everyone grieves differently. I was just reading something the other day on this topic, the gist of it said if you loved someone for 30 years it may take 30 years to grieve for that person. Does that mean you can't love someone else too? No, just that there will always be a space in your soul that is missing the person. Some days the space is bigger than others and that's okay. I think you are handling a horrible situation admirably. You are getting up each morning and living your life the best way you can. That is all you can ask of yourself. I am happy to hear that Michael is a good, patient man that understands your process. I hope the kids are doing well. What are their plans for the summer? Jobs, camps, trips?
Mary
miniteasets
Beautiful Kim,
Please ignore what anonymous said. They have probably never been through the death of someone they love. I am not an expert in any way, however, NO ONE can tell you how to grieve or what to feel!! This is YOUR life and you have to live it how you feel!! You are going to stumble, make mistakes and look back, thinking you probably should have done things a different way. But, as long as you put one foot in front of the other, you will be right. The other thing I have learned is that the US doesn't doesn't grieve...we rush people to get back to "normal". You spent over 30 years of your life with Karl, it will take 30 years to fully grieve him. Just keep leaning on Michael. He sounds like he has big shoulders and is a great guy!! And you have great kids too!!
Ok, done with my novel. :) Praying for you guys and will wave when I drive by to see my Dad soon in Mt Dora. :)
Sara
Hi Kim,
I love to knit but I'm more of a basic knitter. Your creations are adorable.
You can only take one day at a time -- everyone grieves differently. The first year following death of my husband of 34+ years was not nearly as difficult as this past year has been. I am so happy you have someone in your life to help you through the tough times -- I'm sure Karl would want you to be happy.
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